Friday, September 27, 2013

My Beautiful Heartbreak

   We all suffer hardship/heartaches of some kind or other.  When AJ passed away I had NEVER felt such hear ache.  I learned very quickly that my sorrow could consume my minutes...hours....days...I remember seeing babies after AJ passed and being so jealous, angry, sad and confused of "why me/us".  My thoughts would fester on what AJ should of been doing. It became my choice to allow myself to fall into the pits of wallowing in my heartache.  I had days that I let my heart ache eat at my very soul.  I would think constantly of AJ and my personal heartache of pain.  It took distractions, love and finding Joy in life again that helped me see the road I was placed on.  This road has become my/our personal experience.  I had to learn to embrace my heartache. My heartache, just like anyone's is a personal experience.
    Learning to see that my road is different yet the same to many, it is my personal road... MY EXPERIENCES.... MY HEARTBREAK.... MORE THAN THAT MY BEAUTIFUL HEARTBREAK!!!!
  My heartache is beautiful in many ways.... The beauty is brought and manifested through AJ and also Christ's Atonement.

Soon after AJ passed I heard a song Beautiful Heartbreak, By Hillary Weeks. This song hit it right on how I was wanting to feel.  This song helped me to see how beautiful each and every heartache is that we face. BUT!!!! it is our personal choice to push through to find the joy in the heartache.
Thank you for such a  Beautiful song!!

I know... I am not the same person before AJ...I am a different and hopefully changed for the better due to my BEAUTIFUL HEARTBREAK.

Lyrics to Beautiful Heartbreak:         

I had it all mapped out in front of me,
Knew just where I wanted to go;
But life decided to change my plans,
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.

I knew there was no way over it,
So I searched for a way around;
Brokenhearted I started climbin',
And at the top I found...

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

I never dreamed my heart would make it,
I thought about turning around;
But heaven has shown me miracles,
I never would have seen from the ground.

Now I take the rain with the sunshine,
Cause there's one thing that I know;
He picks up the pieces,
Along each broken road.

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Dreaming of a Little Boy's Shadow

As I Sit, Type, Post and Share about our family... I miss posting all about AJ!!!  I should have a little boy around here... He would be 2 years old.  He should be getting into his big sisters stuff, pulling at his little brother, running away from us and playing in the dirt. I can only watch other little boys around AJ's age and only dream of what he would be doing.

In my dreams I see a little boy playing. As I see this little boy play it is like seeing a shadow moving and playing. My curiosity is brimming to know what AJ's face looks like as he grows.

The what "if's" and "should of's" are hard on a mother's/parents grieving heart.  I can't even describe my aching heart some days and moments regarding how deeply I/we miss AJ.

Colts Blessing Day

July 7, 2013 We celebrated an important day for our family.

    We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints.  A Baby Blessing is an opportunity that a baby has to receive a name and blessing during Sunday services.  This day for us was to focus on Baby Colt and the gift he is to us from Heavenly Father.  Months ago, before Colt was even born I had picked out a little tan linen pant/vest with a white shirt with blue pin stripes. This outfit even had a tan hat that matched. I couldn't imagine putting Colt in white that day as most have traditionally done. (Placing him in all white brought too many memories of AJ's funeral services).

COLT, was blessed to have a long life. Bring joy and happiness through the doors he walks through.
That morning brought a strong spiritual presence to us of peace....AJ was felt very close. I believe that those that have passed will be spiritually present on special occasions.

 We planned a brunch for after church with family. Colt was passed around and loved on by many.
As usual I got busy with everyone and visiting is missed many photo opportunities.

Also that same day A close friend of our family blessed their baby girl the same day.  How adorable these 2 babies are growing up together!!!!

On the other side of this joyful day.... we never got to have this joyful day with AJ, instead we had a funeral. AJ passed away the Wednesday before he would of had his blessing on that Sunday. It was hard to not make that memory with AJ. It was hard emotionally for me to plan and actually have Colts special day. Due to my fears and emotions.... we tried to keep the invite list small which is hard to do with our very large family.

Summer fun...2013

    Due to how my maternity leave played out, I was able to be home majority of the summer!!  I was able to be home and enjoy 4 girls home and Colt.  Roma came home from College for the Summer. She worked hard saving money for College. Maddy fell at Dance practice one night and broke her ankle. Cera and Anna enjoyed the Summer Fun And Baby Colt tagged along.

Our summer was filled of the usual summer fun!!!!

                                                       Dance.... Dance.... Dance!!!!!!!!!!!

Late nights... Creative Fun..... Done our Way!!!!!

 Made Fairies in a jar. This left glitter every where... But entertained for an evening.

 We grew a crystal garden, it was fun to watch for several weeks.
 We did several other fun quick and easy projects: made big crayons, made a pet jelly fish and flubber, friendship bracelets and all the summer fun from camping.... going to Aunt Tam's to playing in the water...... Going to Lagoon 1 time (that is all I can handle...HaHA...)

  Eating Ice Cream at Farr's on a hot evening after Family pictures.

 Watching Colt grow and smile!!!!

No Summer is complete without watching fireworks several times!!!!

Sunday, August 11, 2013

2 months 27 days old

     We/I are reaching another milestone..... Colt will be 2 months 27 days old tomorrow. This might not seem to be much to some parents, us it is an age frozen in time.  AJ passed away on April 27,2011 he was 2months 27 days old.

The "what if".....  I would of known AJ was to leave at 2 months 27 days 
              I would of cuddled with him more                                                          
              Watched every movement he made
              Took more pictures
              Smelled and kissed his sweet head more much more I dream I would of done if I had known a count down.

The other day I was sitting at work with an overwhelming feeling of missing both my boys while I was at work. This heart ache was so strong I had tears sitting at my desk.  I had a hard time figuring out who I was missing more at the moment AJ or Colt.  I knew in just a few hours I would be home with Colt.... and that I could only long to have heavenly moments of AJ in my heart and soul.  Nothing Changes how my heart and soul aches to hold our AJ again.

Now in my head I have imagined a count down till tomorrow, We have made so many memories with Colt already!! Reaching tomorrow brings on a new thought process.

It is a normal thought process to compare siblings and their development and growth.  We/I have been able to compare 2 brothers until now. Now we no longer can compare Colt to AJ.  We will now see Colt have his own future without comparing. 

We/I now will watch Colt in awe and wonder of what Colt and AJ would of done and how 2 brother could of been on earth.  Past this milestone of 2 months 27 days will be a reminder to us what we missed with AJ on earth... But the future is wide open for Colt and all of us now on earth and heaven as an eternal family.

It has been hard to sort through these emotions.  I was hoping by writing them down would help me sort through this milestone of 2 months 27 days. 

                   Oh how we/I love these 2 special boys!!!
                            We have the top figurine of the 2 brothers. Someday I hope to find this one.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

4th of July, 2013

The 4th of July is always a busy day!!!!  Here is a recap of our whirl wind day with baby Colt in tow.

The morning for many years has always started out with getting girls ready to dance at Layton City park with Touch of Class dance studio.  Layton City Park is always out of control crowded with traditions of summer FUN!!!

After the dance performance was over we piled in the van with cold drinks for everyone.  The hour drive to Heber City began to be with the Kemp side of the family for the afternoon. We all ate amazing summer food.  Aunt Marie made her traditional scones for everyone to enjoy with honey. The  all played in the water and played .

We headed back down to watch the Layton City fireworks!! Paul, Colt and Cera stayed at home away from the noisy crowd. Layton city did a great show that lit up the sky!!!

We wore out Colt for his first 4th of July!!!

The Girls had a fun filled day!!

Back to Work.....

     I went back to work since having Colt. He was 9weeks old at the time I went back. Going back to work always was a nerve racking step after having a baby.  This is another step in our journey since loosing AJ and having Colt. There are so many steps that we/I have had to take the last few years.  I wonder sometimes where these steps are getting us....  these steps are teaching me\us in ways I never expected.
     Remembering back to the worst days of my life when AJ passed away, I had a moment come back to me while I was driving to work.  I remembered back to an instant that I was yelling out in pain and anguish that I would never take another infant to daycare. Many people and family were in my home at that time and heard my anguish and fear.  In my plea and tears it became focused upon my parents to provide an answer or make me feel safe in my future.  At that time my parents made a promise to my plea.  As parents we always want to help our children and ease their pain.  I could see my parents were grieving the loss of their grandson but also were saddened by my grieving heart.  The last 2 plus years my parents have been there and supported me when they could.
      Little precious baby Colt at this time does not attend daycare at this time thanks to his Gamma and Papa Hurd (my Parents)...
     My parents retired nearby and have fofilled a promise that just over 2 years ago my anguished heart expressed a need for. I hope my parents enjoy Colts smiles, his sweet spirit and AJ close by watching over his little brother Colt.  Thank you, Mom for the first morning of reassurance, of when you asked where the monitor was.  I need to hear that you were just as committed to watch over Colt.  No gratitude will ever show enough appreciation for how fortunate I am to have the parents I have.  Thank you, Mom and Dad for setting my mind and heart at easy. Love you

No matter how old we are we need strength from our parents emotionally, spiritually and physically.

As I look into Colts eyes....

Friday July 12, 2013
     As I watch and hold Colt I feel as tho I am reliving moments with AJ and remembering AJ's brief time here on earth. Today I was cuddling Colt, it hit me how familiar the moment felt. Colt was swaddled and getting ready to fall asleep. I remember the sweet feeling I had felt when holding AJ. At this brief moment Colt's shape and weight was a flash back to holding AJ.  As a parent you cherish holding, loving and cuddling your child.  This starts from day one as a bond.  When AJ passed away, my arms were empty in a flash!!  My last memory of holding AJ was feeling his weighted little body just over 10lb that was no longer warm and snuggly.  I miss holding and watching his growing earthly body.
     Colt is now 8 weeks old. I keep having thoughts of a count down for the next 4 weeks. AJ passed away to SUID/SIDS when he was 2 months 27 days old. Meaning.... In my mind I am remembering AJ's last few weeks... What did we do with AJ, his smile and his giggle.  The girls getting toys to make him laugh and tickleing him.  Our usual rushed schedule of dance and school, AJ rode along in his car seat smiling at his sisters.  Thinking in my head of a countdown of sort has begun. This is hard to explain to someone who has not lost a child.  Oh... how I miss AJ!!!
I miss that Colt doesn't have his big brother here on earth to wrestle, play and learn from.  If AJ was still here on earth he would be 2 1/2.  Life would be much different for us running after a 2 1/2 yr old and taking care of a newborn, and ....keeping up with the 4 girls.
 I want to build, cherish and remember every moment with Colt.  I'm grateful for having a second chance to remember memories of AJ.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Mornings and bath time....

          Every morning Colt is so happy and interactive for over an hour or so. I love the mornings with him!!! I'm not the only one who does.... every one ends up on our bed watching, talking and trying to play with Colt. Colt will smile and look around. I am astonished at how happy he is. He will smile and have a happy countenance about him.  One morning I tried capturing a picture of him smiling...I kept missing!!! He would smirk or smile and I would push the button on the camera and miss the smile.  When Colt smiles he brings joy to my heart that has been mending. Watching him smile and have such Joy brings tears to my eyes of happiness and Joy!!

Bath time for the first time was fun!!!
He actually was really relaxed and then started to get cold and wanted out I think.  Right before we got him out we captured a picture with his fist up ....we all laughed!!!

Fathers Day 2013

     Fathers Day is a day just like Mothers Day.... It is more for the happiness and the opportunity for the child/children to show Love, Appreciation, Gratitude and adoration for their parent.  In watching my own children on these days, they show more excitement to show their undying Love for the adults in their life.  How pure a child's Love is shown!!

     My wonderful husband married me and walked into an instant family several years ago.  He embraced every moment and wanted the opportunity to be a father.  He has been an amazing step-father to my daughters. The icing on the cake is that he has 2 sons now.... One son that will always be by his side spiritually and may have always been by his side and he not known it. A second son that will spend an earthly existence growing and playing by his side.  I look forward to the day when I can see my sweet husband holding both of his son's.

      I had walked downstairs, Paul was watching TV and cuddling with Colt.  I saw him gently kiss Colts forehead. I was disappointed I missed such a precious moment with the camera.  This was the best picture I could get of these two. 
We made Fathers day packages for the grand-pa's and dad's.  For other dad's we made a little cookie treat with a note.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Processing Anxiety and Fear.... The Only Way With Prayer

I know doing certain things will bring back AJ memories and emotions of grief.... I know this will happen until Colt will pass the age when AJ passed away. And... at that point it will change to Colt is doing what AJ didn't have the opportunity to do.

For example right now...

  1.  I have recently made Colts baby announcement and now in the process of getting them mailed out. This is hard due to the week before AJ passed away I was doing this. Only difference Colt is almost 5 weeks old and AJ was almost 8-10 weeks.  I was told by some family members that they had just received AJ's baby announcement in the mail and then received a phone call regarding the tragedy of his passing. 
  2. I am now in the process of planning Colt's Baby Blessing and Naming that is done at church. We are planning this a little earlier than we planned AJ's. AJ passed away the Wednesday before his was planned at church. This was very hard for us to not have made this memory with AJ at church.
  3. Planning DayCare arraingements... this will be a big step that will take baby steps emotionally.
 Reliving memories stirs up memories of fear and anxiety.  In my thought process the best option that gives me peace and comfort is to pray to my Heavenly Father that loves me and wants me to feel Joy; not fear and anxiety.

Colts Newborn Pictures !!!

     What a wonderful opportunity to spend time with Karina again.... She welcomed us into her home to take pictures of Colt.  Maddy went with to watch the pictures get taken of Colt. It was another opportunity to build timeless memories. No words are enough that even come close to how cute, handsome, precious our little Colt is  !!!!!!!!   

 I love the contrast of the Yellow Tonka Truck with the Blue Blanket

I treasure every moment and memory made. I fear loosing moments with my family and try to take in every moment more often.  I cherish Colt's easy going personality at this point, His hair has what Cera calls "a swirl in the back and a V in front", His checks are so kissable, his little details make a memory all of his own to hold on to for a lifetime. What makes a bigger impression are the memories made when holding Colt and cuddling with him
Joy is found in memories made and remembered.


                    I wanted to share how much AJ and Colt look alike!!! They are diffidently brothers!!!!

                          No wonder Cera was confused at first.... they do look alike on day one.

I look at Colt everyday right now and have memories of AJ brought back to me from 2 years ago.  I see features of the two that are similar. Just like any siblings have similarities, these two did from the start. Even at 4 weeks of age they still look like brothers, only difference.... Colt is a little chubby in the face and has his own look.  I will forever wonder what AJ would have looked like as he would have matured and grown. Having Colt will give us a glimpse of that.

AJ about 4 weeks old

                               LOVE OUR BOYS  !!!


Colt almost 4 weeks

          I feel a mothers intuition is a gift ....  I know in my heart and soul AJ and Colt will miss each other very much during this earthly existence until they meet up in heaven again.  I feel very strongly that AJ is happy in heaven but watches over us through a thin veil from heaven.  He misses us, but has a greater understanding of the bigger picture of our Heavenly Fathers plan and is waiting for us in heaven.

Maternity pictures, I know I little late....

     I was a little nervous about doing these.... I had almost backed out several times.  When I was pregnant with AJ I had thought about doing maternity pictures, It became a fleeting thought.  When he had past away, I had wished I had.  It would have giving me just one more memory that I had built regarding AJ.  I had several people encourage me to follow through with doing the pictures while I was pregnant with Colt.   I followed through with with doing the pictures with encouragement and skepticism. 
     As time got closer to the scheduled time for pictures, I felt some reservation for several reasons.     One...  I have a hard time being the center of a picture looking larger than I normally appreciate even when not pregnant.  Two..... I had worry about how I would bond with my unborn son.  (that idea has been well overcome).
     I was amazed how doing these pictures helped me feel closer to my unborn son and peak my excitement of him coming.  The comfort I had leaving when finished was much different then when I had arrived!!! I left with comfort of Joy, peace and Love of a child that was having the same feeling about joining our earthly family.

     These Little white leather shoes were made by my dad many years ago  for my daughters. AJ even wore them a time or two.  I love these shoes!!  

This bear is our AJ bear that was made in memory of AJ. This bear will forever be found in pictures of our family and is found in our home.
I would not have been able to have made this step of comfort before Colt came without you Karina..... Thank you Karina for taking these pictures, you are wonderful and full of love, support and understanding!!!

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Comments From Sisters....

Comments that 4 older sisters have said about Colt.....

Cera: " Is this AJ?"
          " I cant say Hulk (meaning Colt), how about we call him Jacob Nicholas"

Anna:  "Can I hold him again, please?.."
            "Is he awake yet"

Maddy: " I cant get my homework done, Colt is very distracting"
             " He is... oh, so Cute"

Roma: " Hi Bubbers"

I can only imagine and dream how AJ would have been and acted around his little brother..... AJ would have been just over 2 years old.

     I worried about how these 4 sisters would be having a baby in the home again.  I was worried they would protect themselves and not get close to Colt.... But, no it has been the opposite of my worry!!  4 sisters take every chance to hold and love on Baby Colt!!!  He is one loved and spolied baby brother!!

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Colt's first day at church

We dressed up our little man and took him to church today!!!!

 Living through moments and building memories of Colt, I honestly relieve memories and I am remembering AJ moments. I will cherish the next few months with the opportunity to make many new memories and remember other memories that i may have forgot.
Silly little boy sleeps with his arms above his head.... Love every little thing he does.

Memorial Day 2013

       Once again we went out to Hooper Cemetery to take balloons to AJ.  My parents also meet us out there.  They recently have moved here to Utah. The only thing new and different was that we took Colt for the first time.  The girls seemed excited to take Colt. One of the girls said to Colt,"You get to go see your brother!".  That actually brought tears to my eyes.  I know he wont, but in the innocence of a child that is what they see as the place where we visit/honor/remember AJ.  I know and feel that AJ is with us and watches over us.  He is with/near us not just hanging out at a cemetery.

Cera once again running through the cemetery

     As I have mentioned in a previous blog I feel that AJ and Colt are Eternal Best Friends and have always been close. I am a lucky mother to have been blessed with sons that have always been friends and will run to each other when they see each other again in Heaven!!!!