Thursday, March 29, 2012

Grief and Anger

I mainly thought I would try this "blogging" for several reasons.
   1. A place to share about our new journey
   2. A place to vent/share about my grief
   3. A place for others to know they are not alone in this journey of Parental Grief
   4. A place to share to others about Parental grief

          In this process of expressing myself comes a new thing also.....Bearing open my soul. This is a huge step to put myself  into, I guess in some terms "out there as a open book".  I have had a tough couple of weeks... and I have way to much to express at this time.  SO.... right now I want to focus what is really bugging me. 
     I have felt alot of anger lately. I have not felt like myself either. I am normally a very easy going person, positive and not a angry person. So it has bothered me that I feel anger/frustration!!!! A sweet friend of mine told me I reminded her of the movie "Enchanted".   Her reason behind that was that I have had frustration on how to handle my anger/frustration. In the movie "Enchanted" the Princess also had troubles finding how to deal with anger and those feelings. (I am NOT saying I am a princess) But this is just an example of, I am lost in learning to deal with these emotions just like the princess.    

     Now that I have said I am having anger/frustration, it is a step they say in the grieving process.  Since my Baby Boy AJ passed away I /We have tried sooo hard to find the JOY in our new journey. It is not all that easy some days!!!! The say there are 5 steps in the grieving process.  In Theory these steps can be done in order, mixed up and redone and manifest at different phases.
The stages, include:
  1. Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
    Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions. Denial is a defense mechanism and some people can become locked in this stage.
  2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
    Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.
  3. Bargaining — The What if's and could of done different...
  4. Depression — Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
  5. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
    In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their grief, or tragic event.

     I found that I have avoided being angry and have been in survival mood for way to LONG....  An event the last few weeks have triggered so many emotions and mainly Anger within me.
 Well!!!! HECK!!! I have hit the ANGER !!! and I am struggling with facing it and processing my anger!  It is NOT fair what has happened to My Family!!!!!
I NEED to find a way to dig out of this PHASE of ANGER, I dont like it at all!!!!
   So in this process of grieving....The only and first step I see to get through my anger is found in Matt 11:29-30. Christ is the way he will give my soul rest, But I have to be willing to put my burdens on his yoke.  Not so easy....  I know I have to be willing to let go of my anger/frustration. My frustration and anger is: I want and need my little boy back and I cant at this time. I/We are grieving for this lost earthly time with our infant son.
    I need to recapture my inner peace of finding JOY!!!! This phase needs to pass....and will pass by. But for now I am learning and trying to heal. This Heavenly Journey is tiring and painful at times. Healing a broken heart is a slow journey, But goes alot less bumpy with Christ guiding me/us.

    Thank you to those that have been patient with me, during my tantrums. My tantrums will pass...  

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Dance Competition March 2012

    Another weekend done and gone by so fast.... Maddy, Anna and Cera performed at dance competition. Watching any one of my girls achieve something they have worked for gives me that teary eyed proud mommy moment!!!! All 4 of my daughters make me VERY proud. They are amazing Girls!!!

This was an amazing performance by Maddy's dance team!! It was the best one I have seen them do in a few years. And the icing on the cake was Maddy pulled of her tumble!!! This was an accomplishment for her!! So proud of you Maddy girl!!!

Anna has worked so hard over the last year!!
She did a fabulous Job!!! She did her BEST leg lift yet!!! And Anna always has the best Grin on her face!!

Cera is has learned the art of keeping her grin on and having FUN dancing!! She is becoming such a cute dancer!!  We were So Glad this year she went out there and did her BEST and didn't freeze up...LOL!!!! What a Little performer she is becoming!!!

   Also last week!!! Roma made/reached a great accomplishment for herself!!! She got all A's this last term. I admire all her hard work she does for her school work. She studies and works harder then any regular student out there. She has overcome so many learning hardships. Congrats to all my daughters and proud of all of you!!!  Love you Girls!! You Bring me such JOY!!!   

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

St. Patty's Day 2012

    I use to plan out every Themed Holiday....As years have gone by I have not followed thru with it as well.  Over the years I have changed, got busier and thought maybe my kids didn't care if I put forth the effort.

    So, I didn't plan anything for the day of wearing of the green!!! I am starting to actually notice they miss my efforts... So as the evening came and 3 of my daughters were home and wanting to be festive and play up the Green, we came up with an idea!!!  Paul took Maddy and her friend Kyllie to Walmart with a rule of shopping... they can only get items that are green and Irished themed.  Paul being a wonderful dad, took them and they all came back with SMILEING faces!!  They brought back, Green Jello, Green Skittles, Green Mike and Ikes, Green soda, Green Silly String, Green facial mask and other things. The impromptu Green moment made memories of Green faces and Silly string every where!!!   Even tho I didn't feel up to planning anything, This turned out to be a great GREEN memory!!  Thank you to my husband and to these girls for making me SMILE and bringing JOY to our night!!!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

A Day All Ready Gone BAD!!!

            I just had to share;  The other day I was having a bad day and of coarse it was a Monday.   I came home from work to face the usual question of, "whats for dinner?"  So, I thought tacos would be easy... I proceeded to get 1lb frozen hamburger out to thaw. I placed it in the Microwave to thaw, but I set the wrong settings unknowingly and ran upstairs to change out of my work clothes. Mean while the plastic bag explodes in the microwave and begins to cook in a ball. My helpful husband started to save my downward spin by cleaning up the mess in the microwave and started to finish cooking the meat to crumble for tacos. But...with NO avail we had no Taco seasoning!!! My husband Paul left the room, I went to the neighbors to get taco seasoning. Yes the neighbor saved the day and had taco seasoning. We chatted for a moment to long... I went back home and forgot I left the stove on!!! NOW we have burnt crusty over cooked ground beef.... Why did I even bother cooking that night!!!  I proceeded to save dinner....I broke off the crusty burnt meat and feed it to the dog. He was very happy and felt spoiled for the moment.  Paul came back in and shook his head at me... "yes, I know" I said "and do you have an idea how to save dinner to night?" He always has an answer!!! SPAGHETTI!!!! We placed the dry meat in sauce and it softened up and we had dinner finally by 7pm... Which is very late for us!!! now that is a Monday night dinner gone bad yet saved!!
           My crazy life.....   
        Acea Jack "AJ" was born January 31, 2011 at 5pm.  He was a wanted and needed part of our family.  He was the hardest and longest labor and delivery I have had to experience.  He was a welcomed sight to see.  From the 1st moment he was a handsome cute baby boy!!  He fought to be here and to stay. Due to his difficult delivery he was bruised and had high billrubin level.  In turn, the high jaundice levels caused him to be a lazy eater and lose weight and become a "failure to thrive baby".  We helped him over come those hurdles!!! then he got mild case of RSV. We once again overcame that!!  He was given a clean bill of health and growing at his 2 month check up!!    
       The Saturday before AJ's birthday we choose to celebrate his birth.  I want to share what we did to celebrate our Sweet Angel Son's 1st birthday.   We invited friends and family over to celebrate our son/brother AJ.  We had Cookies and hot cocoa to snack on while we lit large lanterns.


Thank You to so many friends and family for coming and celebrating AJ!!!

        It was wonderful watching these lanterns float away to the heavens. We shared memories of AJ with others. We shared tears of Joy and sorrow....Most of all Our Son and Brother was and is remembered by so many!!! We Love you our Little Angel!! Thank you, to everyone who remember our son and talk about him. It is always healing to remember our son and touches our heart when others remember him also.

       This is our AJ Memory table that night. Thank you to my dear cousin Shiloh for sending our family the beautiful flowers!!  We made memory photo albums to share and to always cherish. Our AJ bear was made by my sweet mom in law DeAnn; the bear holds a piece of AJ's blanket. We have things and make memories to keep AJ always a visual part of our home and in our hearts.
        It was a wonderful evening, thank you again to so many that have loved us and supported us.  It is never easy leading up to important "dates"....but that evening and the following week was wonderful and filled my heart spiritually.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

                                 I am going to try this ....the BLOGGING thing that is!! 
     I often have so many thoughts regarding my life.  My life is that of being a working mom, a mom to 4 beautiful growing changing daughters, learning through my trials, and processing my grief of loosing our infant son. My husband and I have chosen to find JOY in our journey that we are on.
     There are monumental moments in all of our lives that change us from the CORE of who we were and who we are becoming. I hope every moment we/I have, improve us/I as we journey everyday to find JOY.  I am greatful for every moment that each of my 5 children have taught me.
     A few weeks ago I cherished a moment that I glanced at my husband...And I saw him looking at me with a look that overflowed with Love.  I am beyond blessed that I know that my husband loves me and our children more then anything. I hope he knows how much I am greatful for him and Love him!!! 
     I am trying to push through everyday to find JOY.  My children bring me the greatest JOY I find, but bring the greatest sorrow.  I look to all my children to pull me through my ups and downs. Each one of them know when I need a pick me up and they don't even know it when they pull me up.  They share a smile, a goofy moment/comment, "I Love you", give me that "proud mommy moment" and let me feel their Heavenly presence near me. 

     My Sweet husband and I were Sealed in the Logan Temple January 31, 2012. This was such a Bitter Sweet day for us.  We choose to celebrate our Angel son AJ's 1st Birthday by being Sealed for Eternity on his birthday. I truly have a beutiful family!!! I am blessed and fourtunate for every moment I have that brings me JOY.  I /we would not know our JOY without having sorrow....