Monday, May 28, 2012

Memorial Day 2012

     Memorial day has forever changed in some ways for me and our family.... I grew up being taught to honor those whom served our country and those whom have passed before us. I remember going to visit my Grandparents grave sites and remembering those that fought to preserve our freedom.  When remembering those that passed before us should be our grandparents and older generations, Not our own Children!!!       
     Today going to see my Grandma Roma and Dale Brown headstone plots in Lewiston, UT. I was reminded of a small headstone next to them. My own Grandparents lost an infant!!! I wish so much they were here to talk to about the Loss and Sorrow. I never heard my Grandma ever talk about the loss. The only thing I ever heard was that her name was Susan and she got an infection and passed away at 2 days old. I wish that my Grandma Roma would of kept a journal or have expressed her healing process. I know times and generations have changed and we now share emotions differently now then generations in the past.  I hope I have made my Grandparents proud in my grieving process.  My Grandparents always taught me that the Gospel of Jesus Christ will always lead and comfort. Someday I will talk again to my Grandparents about the heartache, but at that moment it wont matter.... My Grandparents and I will already be reunited with our sweet babies. I am forever grateful for eternal families and the knowledge of being with my son again!!!

      Everyday brings new reminders of AJ not being here with us and that we miss him. Everyday We/I are reminded of the plan set before us has a reason and a purpose.  I /We have to work harder and strive to be better to be with AJ again!!!
             AJ...Enjoy Playing in Heaven, Let Grandpa Dale pull a coin from behind your ear and sing a song with him. Sit down Watch and Learn to paint with Grandma Roma and let her hold you for me. Take a moment to Sit with Grandpa Hurd and listen to his wisdom and far fetched stories and soak up is wet kisses!!!
                                     We love you Little Boy!!!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Mothers not easy

Mothers Day....Is not a day I have enjoyed over the years being a mom. I know that sounds wrong....
     Growing up I celebrated my wonderful Mother!! I overflowed in excitement of giving her a gift I had made at school or church. As I got older I looked forward in making my mom breakfast and doing things for her that made her smile.  What a wonderful blessing, listener, example, teacher and friend my mom is to me!!!  I would not be who I am without her!!! I saw and was taught by my father to treat my mother the best in every way.  As I became a young mother, I came to feel that I didn't fill the shoes that needed to be filled as a mother.   As years went by, many Mother Days came and gone.... Some years I would be fine and hide my ill harbored feelings of dismay of Mothers Day and other years I would be tearful.  Either way I would have guilt on how I saw my daughters see how I didnt enjoy the day.  
       In talking with a friend of mine this past week ...I learned I am not crazy in my feelings.  At church, newspaper, radio, and any Mother's Day Stories you hear set so many expectations of mothers. This expectations remind me of my shortcomings  as a mother. I have felt these shortcoming due to my own wants and expectations of myself that I have put on myself.  We are always our hardest critic. Besides feeling like I have come short on Motherhood and being all that I SHOULD be.... 
       Last year on Mothers Day My Heart ached so hard and forever does.  Every mother/mom celebrates in the JOY of having ALL thier children around them. Majority of women see JOY in thier children.  AJ passed away just weekes before Mothers Day.... I mustered up courage to go to church that mothers day last year.  I remember the pain I felt missing my/our infant son. I got ready for church trying to just push through the motions of a grieving parent. We drove to church, my family went into the building in the pouring rain. I could not get out of the car...I felt frozen, not wanting to move. I continued to stay in the car. I felt bad in failing my husbands hope and my daughters that I would join them in church. I stayed in the car with tears flowing down my face. As I cried tears of heart ache. People would walk by either ignoring my pain or not noticing. The rain could of been hiding the tears on my face.... I continued to feel a numb pain the rest of the day.  

     Ultimately we all have the choice to enjoy a day meant for us and others to remember and show graditude.  Mothers day to me is yes, to tell my mom I love her and thanks to her. Not only to my sweet mother but to other women whom have made a difference in my life.  Also to be able to find JOY in ALL my CHILDREN!!!  I beyond words Love my Children like any mother does!!!
     I will forever miss to hear the voice from my/our son AJ, calling to me. Meanwhile I can only dream of hearing him in my dreams.  Ask any grieving mother how this day is hard.....  Mothers day is incomplete now having AJ not here. This day is now double hard for me more than ever before.  It has become my task to find Joy in my "New Life" sice AJ has passed away.  It is not so easy somedays, But I try fervently every day.                                                   

I Love this Phrase!!! This is how I feel about ALL my Children!

Many Hugs  and Loves to and MANY thousands of Thank-You's!!!!
      My Mom, Both my mom in-laws (DeAnn and Clara),  My Grandmas;  Gma Vicky "Mauzi" (Gma Roma and Granny whom that have past away). These women are; whom I learn from, have learned from and will always learn from.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

AJ Celebrated.... We Grieve because we LOVE

       A year ago I was just moving through the motions of daily life in pain from a broken heart.  We/I did the unthinkable; planned and had our infant sons funeral services. Only another grieving parent can understand how painful it is to do this process. We shared our deep Love we have for our son with others!!!  
       All I could think during the time of choosing a casket was this is not is not me going through this. I would call the casket his "bed". I worried about him being cold and comfortable. In retro-spect...I sounded at times crazy.  We put some notes, toys and pictures with AJ. My Girls, AJ's sisters put alot of thought into that gesture of LOVE. 
      We were guided in several ways to lay AJ to rest in the Hooper Cemetery. For months before AJ past away Paul and I were wanting to look for a home in Hooper.  After he passed away, My Aunt and Uncle offered a plot in Hooper. We felt comfort regarding the Hooper Cemetery. Since then we have not felt impressed to look for a home in Hooper anymore. I guess we bought our property/land in Hooper and we will always be connected there. In some way we were prepared in retro-spect.... 

Paul asked for people to bring BALLOONS to the graveside....People Brought BALLOONS !!!  What a beautiful site and a colorful sky.  We/I thought of it as Balloons going up to play with our Angel. We still send Balloons to AJ to play with!!! 


My dear cousin Laura referred to the funeral as AJ's celebration. So right she was... We did celebrate AJ!!! We mourn/grieve because we LOVED AJ so much!!!  I have learned we Grieve deeply because of a deep LOVE.

I know I could not have lived through those raw moments of emotional pain without my Husband, Jesus Christ comforting me, and my sweet Angel AJ being near by.