Sunday, June 24, 2012

Thoughts that POP into my head....

 Thoughts on Grief that pop into my head....                            

                            "If we Wallow in our Sorrow we cant proceed through Grief"
  - Grief is a process, if we allow it to control us we can become consumed by it.  It can grab a hold of us and freeze us in the process. Those of us pushing through grief due to any reason, need to find what helps us move and function everyday.  I found all my children help me to move along and my pursuit to look towards JOY. Our Heavenly Father wants us to have Joy.

                            "Trials interfere with our Peace. It is our choice how to handle trials...."

   -  We all have our own trials. Some we bring upon ourselves and others we agreed to have in this life.  Each one of us can choose how we will deal with our trial that is before us. 

People Watching.....

        I'm one of those that watch people...
YES, I am one of those people that go to Lagoon (Lagoon is an amusement Park) and enjoy people watching more than the rides!!! 
        Getting to my point regarding watching people, since AJ has passed away I feel as tho sometimes people look at me differently. In the beginning I really noticed people looking at me with a face of sadness, despair and loss of what to say.  It was all in their eyes. A whole facial downward pull. Sometimes people would not even say was like they would just wait and see what I would do or say.  Maybe in thought they were just looking at me the way I was looking in the beginning.... As time passes I still see people look at me with a look of sadness. Sometimes I wonder what they are thinking. I just reading to much into it in my own mind... I might be.
    I hope they see I have an angel watching over me, and I am finding the Joy beyond Grief!!!

 If you look at me or another grieving parent and wonder about my/our grief, Stop and ask us about our child. We want to talk about our child. We want to remember and share about them. Also, it is ok if we as grieving parents shed or share a tear. Don't feel bad if a grieving parent shed/shares a tear with you. I have and am learning to be ok to shed tears of LOVE for my/our Son AJ. 

 LOL...I know silly me to bring Eeyore into this. Notice is sad look, the eyes.  But some how Eeyore pushes through every day. I wish he would someday find a little JOY.


      Through my grieving process I find it interesting what comments people say to me. Some comments are heartfelt but come out stupid. I wonder what people are thinking in their head when they open up their mouth. I know that sounds rude... but wait.... 

     I know people mean well in their comments. Until you hear the words coming at you as a grieving parent, the words you hear are heard differently then they are meant when they are said!!! 
     The number one comment I did not like hearing when AJ passed away was, "He is in a better place". I still don't like the comment!!! Here is my reason, AJ was not in a bad place here with us, was not mistreated or ill.  How could he be in a better place, My arms and his Daddy's arms were safe and loving.  I understand that heaven is a better place then earth but....We were given the opportunity to come to earth to gain a body and have trials and learn. This mortal existence is full of trials and tough roads. 
  When I was going through the rawness of the shock of AJ passing away, I would say things to make myself justify his passing.  I would say things to sound brave/strong when inside my heart was breaking.  Things I would say were "He was so special Heavenly Father needed him back", "AJ is one of the chosen ones that just needed to be here briefly", "AJ was/is more special then your baby" and "AJ was a chosen spirit that didn't need to face this mortal experience".  Sometimes in retro-spect I think I might of sounded rude or snotty. If I did... I am sorry. We are all special in Gods eyes and cherished!
I still think Our Sweet Baby AJ is held dear and close by Heavenly Father and Jesus!! I thank our little Boy everyday for bringing Heaven closer to our home and family. Without Going through this trial of sorrow, I would have not grown spiritually. I hope and pray this is making me a better person everyday.

REQUEST:  Those of you whom read this, that are grieving parents please leave a comment regarding comments you did or didn't like to hear. Or...Comments you would say yourself

Thank you !!

Brain and Life on OVERLOAD...

I Like doing this Blogging thing...But finding the TIME... is the tough thing!!!
         My brain is on overload of thoughts and experiences the last few weeks. I'm hoping to spend some time and catch up posting. Catching up posting might just unload my Brain and share my Life!!!

Here are somethings I need to post and Share about.....

 The last few weeks : Roma Graduated from High school
                                 I went to KSL for a Bloggers night out
                                 We have done some things on the Summer Bucket list
                                       Saw the movie Brave
Lately I've been trying to keep a notepad close by and jot down thoughts. 
           Fresh Thoughts:  Comments during Sorrow
                                      Being looked at
                                      Being active through sorrow
                                      Scriptures/Conference talks as a guide in life

To start with, I have 2 Dreams I need/want to focus on.
                    1. Share my Grieving process of finding JOY. I want to share their is Joy beyond Grief!!! Find ways to help other grieving families. A new found friend of mine and I want to start a support group for SIDS/Child loss focusing more on Joy through Grief and create a foundation to help provide headstones for infants/young children that pass away. We want the foundation to be called, "Alana and AJ's Gift".

                    2. I need to find a way to go back to college!!

Wow!!! Both of these Dreams will need to take time and effort.  I need to find a way to do both.  I recognize both are fulfilling in 2 vastly different ways. 
        1. An accomplishment for myself in my education and my career
            - I need to do this not only for myself but for my career and my family

        2. Remembering AJ by helping others.
            - Every Grieving parent wants their child remembered

To accomplish these goals I can not do them on my own. I need to place things in order. I need to place my relationship with my Heavenly Father in the forefront of my dreams. For example, I have been told if I make more time to read the scriptures I will be able to retain more in learning. By learning and studying the scriptures builds us and opens doors.  Another Idea that might sound trivial, but will give me more energy...exercise. I always feel drained and tired. A few years ago I exercised quite often, I found I had more energy. (I guess that makes another dream, Exercise)

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Moments... of wonder

As I live through this process of grief, I have moments of wonder.
I wonder...What life would of been with AJ around. Even when we went to Disneyland, I missed packing for him. Packing a stroller, diapers, little boy clothes and toys. I find myself every time we go somewhere... wondering how much fun it would be to see AJ enjoy being with his sisters. As a mother of an angel I am learning to cherish the moments of missing him, even tho I might shed a tear or two.  I know and have faith when I get to be with AJ again, I will have every moment that I missed. Those moments will be multiplied with JOY for me and my whole family in Heaven!!! 
 LOVE and Miss You AJ!!!
                     This summer as we spend our time checking off the "Bucket List" ...Yes I will have moments of wonder.... But that is ok!!!  Those moments I might shed tears or not, I might share my wonder or keep it to myself quietly.  I think I will forever wonder about AJ.
We think of those we Love and Cherish!!!

Summer Bucket List

Well....We joined the bandwagon of summer bucket lists!!!

This is our Summer Bucket List... Maddy with the assistance from us made this list. Some things are inexpensive, stay at home, crafty, cause an adventure and entertain.  We went to All-A-Dollar and got stuff that would go along with the list. Lots of easy projects for kids to do when I am at work were also purchased and... don't forget the infamous summer chore charts have also been made to earn Fun Time to do the "Bucket List"

    To start off our "Bucket List" We have gone to Boondocks, gone to the movies, gone to the Zoo, finished Jigsaw puzzles and painted! 

We decided to purchuse a Zoo membership. We can enjoy the Zoo in our own time through out the next year.   

 Anna enjoyed the new area at the Zoo with the seals, otters and polar bear. Seeing the seals made me miss Sea World  
Cera and Anna enjoyed painting. We plan on having other opportunities to create with paint.
I guess more adventures are ahead for us the next few weeks....