Sunday, November 9, 2014

Breaking up the Fog

     When I first started doing this blog to help myself, help other grieving parents and to shed some light to those that want to support those grieving.  I felt clear in my thoughts at that time .... my clarity of expression has become clouded or filled with fog.  I try to sit and type to express my thoughts, that have become jumbled and confused. My feelings don't come out clear or what I perceive as clear.  In hopes to find clarity of my feelings that I once could see through the fog.  I need to figure out when the clarity began to be foggy.

  I noticed I lost myself by over-extending myself and losing myself... Between family, sleep derivation, work and going to school.... I put myself emotionally on a shelf.  The fog became thicker.  A few months ago I felt the build up.  The thickness of the fog hid the grief my heart was trying to forget and hid from my own foresight of acknowledgement....

    I was forced to acknowledge the reality before I totally lost it.  I honestly know my aching heart of grief won't ever be forgotten. It was only being neglected!!!
My breaking point of realization was when I broke down in a mess of tears that I didn't want to face.  I kept hearing and seeing socially mothers crying to watch their 3 yr old going to preschool.  Why cry...? These mothers are not missing watching their son growing up.  They get to watch and cherish every milestone. I don't understand.... I would give anything to rejoice in AJ going to preschool this last year. After the tears broke through the fog I realized the reality of neglecting my own grieving heart.

Now learning again to find clarity in life and not to neglect my own grieving heart.
The search is on to find a better way ....

What I know will work:

  • Prayer
  • Scripture study
  • Finding Joy
  • Finding fun again
  • reorganize and relearn to plan 
Next to make it start to work and not get lost in the FOG.
My grieving heart is important and deserves to be taken care of !!   
I need to always remember LIGHT breaks up the FOG....   I need to let the light in.

Boy...Oh Boy... I hope this made some sense. If it didn't , I apologize for my "crazy grieving heart"
I know here I go again....

Saturday, September 27, 2014

40!!! Just another day to another year and decade


I'm not in my 20'sanymore, okay that is far gone now.  I'm not in my 30's either anymore, and those yearsslipped away.  I guess I am now to say "HELLO" to the 40's!!!!

       Here comes the bomb!!!

    I don't mind other people's birthday's.  I LOVE to celebrate my children's birthdays, but not my own. Does any one else feel the same way????   The more I get told Happy Birthday the more my eyes well up and fill with tears.  I wish I could find the JOY in my own birthday. I have noticed this to get worse over the years. NOT sure what happened.  Did I create over some years unmet expectations, Did I feel I got forgotten, Did the meaning of birthdays change for me and bring heartache after AJ died..... I honestly don't know what happened to me? In my own confusion of sorting this out, I have 2 ways to handle or except September 28 every year..... 1. Wish the day could be skipped or 2. Celebrate the day with confidence and joy with friends and family. I hope that I can learn to embrace option 2.  I feel bad that my children watch me not enjoy this day that I truley wish and want to enjoy.     Let's give it another try, tommorow I can try. I have 8 min left to be 39!!!!!!!

WOW!!! It has been a year.... And I need to be back Blogging!!!!!!!!!

        I took note today that it has been a year since I last puplished on my blog. I have missed expressing myself and sharing on here.  I originally wanted this blog to be a place to express my grieving process and share how our family finds JOY in life.  I wanted others to know thay are not alone in this world of parental grief.  Not sure if I ever made a differince to others, BUT it made a difference in me!!!

    So here I am saying!!! I am back to express myself and share, even if it is only helping myself it has proven to be benifical as a positive effect and worth while.

Since my last post... So many things have happend and changed. Luckliy most all wonderful!!   In a short summary; School for me and the girls, Work, Kids all growing, Holidays passed by in every form, and we bought a house and moved.  Life is in full speed and NEEDS to slow down!!!!!!!!!
Oh and By the Way I absolutly without any doubt LOVE my amazing Husband and Children all 6 of them!!!