Monday, March 25, 2013

Excitment, Worry or Fear is Building.....

                                I have never felt such joy/excitement and anxiety/fear all at once!!

                           I am thrilled beyond words to have another son in just over 7 weeks!!!

Before AJ passed away I was not one to have anxiety, but since then I have noticed many moments of anxiety.  I am learning how to cope with these feelings.  I have noticed my anxiety and fear of this new little boy coming to join us. I have been told it is ok and normal what I am feeling.  I have had dreams of not letting this little baby out of my sight.  I am learning and figuring out what I can do to help ease my emotions. 
     There are clothing items, a car seat cover and several other things that I won't emotionally be able to reuse.  Some items will forever be connected to memories of AJ and not used for another.  Only those that have lost a child can understand this thought process.
      I have already bought a blessing outfit for church for this new little one. I purchased something not white, I could not bear to see another son of ours all in white. It would bring to many tearful memories back to me.
      I'm researching monitors to watch respirations.  There are some monitors available, that alarm if the baby has no movement.  I like to plan out and know what to expect.  In analyzing my own reactions and behaviors, I feel like I am trying to plan out certain things that I can have control over.

These are ways my fear is out weighing my emotions..... I do know that this sweet baby will bring more Joy  to our family more than we will ever know!!!  --- Just like today Cera was touching my belly and felt the baby move!!! she jumped and got so excited. I know these sisters will Love and cherish their new brother and watch a close eye on him!!!

The closer my due date comes....

      Every week, day, hour and minute I get closer to the delivery of this new baby boy to be with us, so many thoughts come to my heart and mind. 

                          A stranger recently said to me "oh your poor baby boy wont have a brother, just sisters...."  I quickly responded "he does have a older brother, but he passed away". This stranger then understood better after that and I explained. After much thought about this, it breaks my heart that my sons will not get to have a earthly relationship.  I know my sons have known each other in heaven before this earthly world.  They will be separated and miss each other until they meet in heaven again. I know in my heart my sons are ETERNAL bestfriends.
          I wonder how this new little boy will get to know his heavenly brother.  I pray and hope he will learn to spritually get to know his heavenly brother.  As I ponder this idea, the concept of our own personal relationtionship with our older brother Christ dawned on me.  Myself and anyone who strives and wants a relationship with Christ needs to empark on a personal spritual journey.  This journey is guided by scriptures, prayer, personal testimony of Christ and personal revelation.  I pray and hope that our son will search someday to get to know both of his heavenly older brothers, AJ and Christ.