Tuesday, July 23, 2013

As I look into Colts eyes....

Friday July 12, 2013
     As I watch and hold Colt I feel as tho I am reliving moments with AJ and remembering AJ's brief time here on earth. Today I was cuddling Colt, it hit me how familiar the moment felt. Colt was swaddled and getting ready to fall asleep. I remember the sweet feeling I had felt when holding AJ. At this brief moment Colt's shape and weight was a flash back to holding AJ.  As a parent you cherish holding, loving and cuddling your child.  This starts from day one as a bond.  When AJ passed away, my arms were empty in a flash!!  My last memory of holding AJ was feeling his weighted little body just over 10lb that was no longer warm and snuggly.  I miss holding and watching his growing earthly body.
     Colt is now 8 weeks old. I keep having thoughts of a count down for the next 4 weeks. AJ passed away to SUID/SIDS when he was 2 months 27 days old. Meaning.... In my mind I am remembering AJ's last few weeks... What did we do with AJ, his smile and his giggle.  The girls getting toys to make him laugh and tickleing him.  Our usual rushed schedule of dance and school, AJ rode along in his car seat smiling at his sisters.  Thinking in my head of a countdown of sort has begun. This is hard to explain to someone who has not lost a child.  Oh... how I miss AJ!!!
I miss that Colt doesn't have his big brother here on earth to wrestle, play and learn from.  If AJ was still here on earth he would be 2 1/2.  Life would be much different for us running after a 2 1/2 yr old and taking care of a newborn, and ....keeping up with the 4 girls.
 I want to build, cherish and remember every moment with Colt.  I'm grateful for having a second chance to remember memories of AJ.

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