Thursday, January 22, 2015

Empty Arms

I wrote this sometime ago.... I wanted to share these brief words that I jotted down. Maybe a post, a phrase, a sentence might help another mother or another lost in grief know they are not alone.

  I often remember back to the hours, days, weeks and months after AJ passed away regarding the raw emotions of such deep pain of child loss.... I remember how empty, light and cold my arms felt.  This emptiness was traumatically instant. I went from weighted down arms full of warmth to brutal emptiness of nothing.  The phrase "empty arms " is often used after infant/child loss. This phrase is true in the term of the emptiness, but the emptiness goes far deeper then a mother or fathers arms being empty. The emptiness is in our heart and in our daily lives is another form of the emptiness.  Spiritually I have had to choose to fill the emptiness over time.
      My/our new life includes grief and finding joy to fill our heart. Grief and emptiness has not gone away, it is evolving on our road.

      Holding Colt I have heavy, tired and warm arms again.... I love the warmth Colt brings. I never take Colt being in my arms for granted... he his a gift.


A Grieving Parents Mask

It takes energy.

It takes practice.

It becomes an act.

It becomes a perfected art. 

It became reality.

It became survival.

It takes tears of a broken heart.

The looks... quick hide the truth of a grieving heart


A mask is worn more frequent, but in time falls off. Comes on in times of need to hid my true face of a grieving parent.  I often face this like any other parent that has faced the reality of losing a child.  At first the raw emotions are seen and shared.  As weeks pass along in emptiness,  strength is found in crevices of light.  Months roll over and a new existence is found.  Existence and survival mend bits and pieces in place where they might fit back into.  Years are reached and a mask has been designed. Designed to except and hid a new existence.  

       Relief is found in the listening and excepting ear.  A grieving mask becomes lighter as it is set aside.  Giving rest when it is so hard to be strong is an asset.  Be patient to a grieving parent as they learn to design their mask.  Hopefully a mask is less needed to ease the heaviness and pain. But ... yet available when needed. 

If I could put me in a cartoon this would be me!!!!

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Our little Sunbeam in Heaven

I try so hard to put away my grieving mom emotions....

     The holidays came and went with lots of distractions of icky sickies.  I even was so sick the week of  Christmas. Alright ... the whole family was sick!!! not the best Christmas but we were together. Paul and I feel some guilt that we never made it out to the cemetery to honor AJ through the holidays. AJ was never far from our thoughts tho. As January creeps up and throws so many moments that we should be reaching and celebrating in AJ's life become hard.  In Primary at church (our children's program at church) children advance in classes for the new year. AJ would be entering and having his first day in sunbeams.  I would love to hear him singing the traditional primary song "Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam" and coming home with what he colored in class!!!

AJ our little sunbeam watching us from Heaven. Someday we will see you again!!!

January is a hard emotional month for me... I remember 4 years ago feeling so happy leading up to AJ's birth. He was such an anticipation of JOY to our family! January has been changed since he passed away. Another birthday is coming... milestones that are missed have created such a void.  Watching so many kids his age growing and reaching these milestones is hard.
 I know I am not alone in this, so many other grieving parents feel the same way.

Oh January, swiftly finish up and warm up our hearts.