Monday, June 17, 2013

Mornings and bath time....

          Every morning Colt is so happy and interactive for over an hour or so. I love the mornings with him!!! I'm not the only one who does.... every one ends up on our bed watching, talking and trying to play with Colt. Colt will smile and look around. I am astonished at how happy he is. He will smile and have a happy countenance about him.  One morning I tried capturing a picture of him smiling...I kept missing!!! He would smirk or smile and I would push the button on the camera and miss the smile.  When Colt smiles he brings joy to my heart that has been mending. Watching him smile and have such Joy brings tears to my eyes of happiness and Joy!!

Bath time for the first time was fun!!!
He actually was really relaxed and then started to get cold and wanted out I think.  Right before we got him out we captured a picture with his fist up ....we all laughed!!!

Fathers Day 2013

     Fathers Day is a day just like Mothers Day.... It is more for the happiness and the opportunity for the child/children to show Love, Appreciation, Gratitude and adoration for their parent.  In watching my own children on these days, they show more excitement to show their undying Love for the adults in their life.  How pure a child's Love is shown!!

     My wonderful husband married me and walked into an instant family several years ago.  He embraced every moment and wanted the opportunity to be a father.  He has been an amazing step-father to my daughters. The icing on the cake is that he has 2 sons now.... One son that will always be by his side spiritually and may have always been by his side and he not known it. A second son that will spend an earthly existence growing and playing by his side.  I look forward to the day when I can see my sweet husband holding both of his son's.

      I had walked downstairs, Paul was watching TV and cuddling with Colt.  I saw him gently kiss Colts forehead. I was disappointed I missed such a precious moment with the camera.  This was the best picture I could get of these two. 
We made Fathers day packages for the grand-pa's and dad's.  For other dad's we made a little cookie treat with a note.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Processing Anxiety and Fear.... The Only Way With Prayer

I know doing certain things will bring back AJ memories and emotions of grief.... I know this will happen until Colt will pass the age when AJ passed away. And... at that point it will change to Colt is doing what AJ didn't have the opportunity to do.

For example right now...

  1.  I have recently made Colts baby announcement and now in the process of getting them mailed out. This is hard due to the week before AJ passed away I was doing this. Only difference Colt is almost 5 weeks old and AJ was almost 8-10 weeks.  I was told by some family members that they had just received AJ's baby announcement in the mail and then received a phone call regarding the tragedy of his passing. 
  2. I am now in the process of planning Colt's Baby Blessing and Naming that is done at church. We are planning this a little earlier than we planned AJ's. AJ passed away the Wednesday before his was planned at church. This was very hard for us to not have made this memory with AJ at church.
  3. Planning DayCare arraingements... this will be a big step that will take baby steps emotionally.
 Reliving memories stirs up memories of fear and anxiety.  In my thought process the best option that gives me peace and comfort is to pray to my Heavenly Father that loves me and wants me to feel Joy; not fear and anxiety.

Colts Newborn Pictures !!!

     What a wonderful opportunity to spend time with Karina again.... She welcomed us into her home to take pictures of Colt.  Maddy went with to watch the pictures get taken of Colt. It was another opportunity to build timeless memories. No words are enough that even come close to how cute, handsome, precious our little Colt is  !!!!!!!!   

 I love the contrast of the Yellow Tonka Truck with the Blue Blanket

I treasure every moment and memory made. I fear loosing moments with my family and try to take in every moment more often.  I cherish Colt's easy going personality at this point, His hair has what Cera calls "a swirl in the back and a V in front", His checks are so kissable, his little details make a memory all of his own to hold on to for a lifetime. What makes a bigger impression are the memories made when holding Colt and cuddling with him
Joy is found in memories made and remembered.


                    I wanted to share how much AJ and Colt look alike!!! They are diffidently brothers!!!!

                          No wonder Cera was confused at first.... they do look alike on day one.

I look at Colt everyday right now and have memories of AJ brought back to me from 2 years ago.  I see features of the two that are similar. Just like any siblings have similarities, these two did from the start. Even at 4 weeks of age they still look like brothers, only difference.... Colt is a little chubby in the face and has his own look.  I will forever wonder what AJ would have looked like as he would have matured and grown. Having Colt will give us a glimpse of that.

AJ about 4 weeks old

                               LOVE OUR BOYS  !!!


Colt almost 4 weeks

          I feel a mothers intuition is a gift ....  I know in my heart and soul AJ and Colt will miss each other very much during this earthly existence until they meet up in heaven again.  I feel very strongly that AJ is happy in heaven but watches over us through a thin veil from heaven.  He misses us, but has a greater understanding of the bigger picture of our Heavenly Fathers plan and is waiting for us in heaven.

Maternity pictures, I know I little late....

     I was a little nervous about doing these.... I had almost backed out several times.  When I was pregnant with AJ I had thought about doing maternity pictures, It became a fleeting thought.  When he had past away, I had wished I had.  It would have giving me just one more memory that I had built regarding AJ.  I had several people encourage me to follow through with doing the pictures while I was pregnant with Colt.   I followed through with with doing the pictures with encouragement and skepticism. 
     As time got closer to the scheduled time for pictures, I felt some reservation for several reasons.     One...  I have a hard time being the center of a picture looking larger than I normally appreciate even when not pregnant.  Two..... I had worry about how I would bond with my unborn son.  (that idea has been well overcome).
     I was amazed how doing these pictures helped me feel closer to my unborn son and peak my excitement of him coming.  The comfort I had leaving when finished was much different then when I had arrived!!! I left with comfort of Joy, peace and Love of a child that was having the same feeling about joining our earthly family.

     These Little white leather shoes were made by my dad many years ago  for my daughters. AJ even wore them a time or two.  I love these shoes!!  

This bear is our AJ bear that was made in memory of AJ. This bear will forever be found in pictures of our family and is found in our home.
I would not have been able to have made this step of comfort before Colt came without you Karina..... Thank you Karina for taking these pictures, you are wonderful and full of love, support and understanding!!!

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Comments From Sisters....

Comments that 4 older sisters have said about Colt.....

Cera: " Is this AJ?"
          " I cant say Hulk (meaning Colt), how about we call him Jacob Nicholas"

Anna:  "Can I hold him again, please?.."
            "Is he awake yet"

Maddy: " I cant get my homework done, Colt is very distracting"
             " He is... oh, so Cute"

Roma: " Hi Bubbers"

I can only imagine and dream how AJ would have been and acted around his little brother..... AJ would have been just over 2 years old.

     I worried about how these 4 sisters would be having a baby in the home again.  I was worried they would protect themselves and not get close to Colt.... But, no it has been the opposite of my worry!!  4 sisters take every chance to hold and love on Baby Colt!!!  He is one loved and spolied baby brother!!

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Colt's first day at church

We dressed up our little man and took him to church today!!!!

 Living through moments and building memories of Colt, I honestly relieve memories and I am remembering AJ moments. I will cherish the next few months with the opportunity to make many new memories and remember other memories that i may have forgot.
Silly little boy sleeps with his arms above his head.... Love every little thing he does.

Memorial Day 2013

       Once again we went out to Hooper Cemetery to take balloons to AJ.  My parents also meet us out there.  They recently have moved here to Utah. The only thing new and different was that we took Colt for the first time.  The girls seemed excited to take Colt. One of the girls said to Colt,"You get to go see your brother!".  That actually brought tears to my eyes.  I know he wont, but in the innocence of a child that is what they see as the place where we visit/honor/remember AJ.  I know and feel that AJ is with us and watches over us.  He is with/near us not just hanging out at a cemetery.

Cera once again running through the cemetery

     As I have mentioned in a previous blog I feel that AJ and Colt are Eternal Best Friends and have always been close. I am a lucky mother to have been blessed with sons that have always been friends and will run to each other when they see each other again in Heaven!!!!

Colt Thomas Robison

Our new addition !!!! 
May 16, 2013 11:07AM
7 lbs 15 oz and 19 in long
Colts little details...
  • Dark brown hair on the back of his head, fuzzy on top
  • Little tufts of hair on his ears
  • Folded ears, slowly unfolding
  • Soft warm skin
  • Chubby kissable checks
  • dark eyes trying to open with effort
  • Curling up his legs
  • Making faces while he sleeps
  • New baby scent
  • Small little hands/feet
  • A cry saying "Hello"

Hospital pics that were done.  He is adorable in every way!!!! We love him to pieces!!



Heading home to his new earthly adventure......

Our new arrivals Journey begins......

My denial begins of the events that were to start to unfold.....

     On May 15th, 2013, I awoke with many ideas of what I wanted to get done that day.  I had errands to run and projects to get done. One project was to get my flower pots filled with new flowers for the season.  Cera, Cady (Cera's friend), Roma and I ventured out to the errands for the morning.  Drop of other kids to school started the adventure.... stop by a friends to buy skirts for the girls, buy flowers for pots at Joe's greenhouse and a quick stop at Walmart. After the errands Roma went to lunch with friends and I dropped Cera and Cady off at kindergarten.  I was craving protein, so I called my parents to meet up for lunch.  We meet over at BBQ place so I could have protein... HaHa...Ha.. This craving of protein happened just before I went into labor with Cera. I knew, I would go into labor within a few days.

     During lunch with my parents I started to have contractions.  I figured braxton hicks contractions, not the real contractions.  My parents became a little suspicious of the on going contractions.  We went back to my house after lunch. Kids came home from school. My parents hung out with us, while I continued to have contractions.
      My project of the flower pots, dawned on me! I didn't want to waste money spent on flowers.  My parents and kids got trapped into my project!  It became kinda comical as I would have contractions and try... to help plant the flowers in the pots.  My Dad kept the project going and told the girls, "when your mother has an idea in her head she won't stop till it is done". Thanks Dad it got done!!!

     Around 5 pm my husband came home from work.  With contractions still continuing, my parents felt it was ok to leave now with Paul home.  Like most women, I don't like to head up to Labor/delivery and be told my body is not ready and return home.  I thought I would lay down and see if the contractions would stop.  And....No, contractions continued with irregularity and getting closer.   Around 730, Paul had to go get Maddy from dance.  While he was gone he had Cera write down the times I was having contractions while he was gone.... She was excited to have the responsibility to watch me in pain..HAHAHA...  She was on top of writing down the times of contractions that where any where from 3- 9 min apart.  After awhile she got quiet and fell asleep.... and Paul was only gone 45 min!!! 

     As the evening rolled by Paul and the girls talked me into packing my hospital bag.  As it past 10 pm, Paul was adamant that it was time to head to the hospital. To be honest I was in some denial of it was time to have our newest addition.  I had a heart full of fear and a heart that has been mending. I was scared and worried about bonding with this new baby boy.  Part of my heart was trying to protect the broken part of my heart from losing AJ.  So many mixed emotions and the fear of losing another baby were hitting me!!! I finally gave in and went to the hospital.... I was not sent home ...I was admitted to have our new arrival!!!!
     And I laid in the hospital bed my anxious heart had a sense of calmness and relaxed.  I knew my heart was ready for this baby boy to bring Joy to my/our broken hearts.  At that moment I didn't realize that the sense of calmness had been bestowed upon me by a our Heavenly Angel that watches over us. I had dreamed and wanted to feel AJ close during this moment when he was sending his little brother to us.  I believe and feel AJ helping me to feel calm and focus on bonding with his brother was his way to be there for me. No matter how close but so far apart apart Heaven and Earth are, I know AJ is closer than we know.

     At the moment as I heard our sweet brand new baby cry, All I could do is cry. My tears were of many feelings and emotions. This is hard to describe, yet my tears flowed as I was handed this brand new sweet baby.  To hold a baby again.... my/our baby.  I whispered many times to this little baby, "Stay with us, please don't leave us".

    The 2 closest ways to be near to Heaven, holding a baby just sent from heaven and being at the Temple.

     We had troubles naming this little boy.  It took several hours for Paul and I to agree on a name.  This sweet little boy was finally named ....Colt Thomas Robison!!!