Tuesday, July 23, 2013

4th of July, 2013

The 4th of July is always a busy day!!!!  Here is a recap of our whirl wind day with baby Colt in tow.

The morning for many years has always started out with getting girls ready to dance at Layton City park with Touch of Class dance studio.  Layton City Park is always out of control crowded with traditions of summer FUN!!!

After the dance performance was over we piled in the van with cold drinks for everyone.  The hour drive to Heber City began to be with the Kemp side of the family for the afternoon. We all ate amazing summer food.  Aunt Marie made her traditional scones for everyone to enjoy with honey. The  all played in the water and played .

We headed back down to watch the Layton City fireworks!! Paul, Colt and Cera stayed at home away from the noisy crowd. Layton city did a great show that lit up the sky!!!

We wore out Colt for his first 4th of July!!!

The Girls had a fun filled day!!

Back to Work.....

     I went back to work since having Colt. He was 9weeks old at the time I went back. Going back to work always was a nerve racking step after having a baby.  This is another step in our journey since loosing AJ and having Colt. There are so many steps that we/I have had to take the last few years.  I wonder sometimes where these steps are getting us....  these steps are teaching me\us in ways I never expected.
     Remembering back to the worst days of my life when AJ passed away, I had a moment come back to me while I was driving to work.  I remembered back to an instant that I was yelling out in pain and anguish that I would never take another infant to daycare. Many people and family were in my home at that time and heard my anguish and fear.  In my plea and tears it became focused upon my parents to provide an answer or make me feel safe in my future.  At that time my parents made a promise to my plea.  As parents we always want to help our children and ease their pain.  I could see my parents were grieving the loss of their grandson but also were saddened by my grieving heart.  The last 2 plus years my parents have been there and supported me when they could.
      Little precious baby Colt at this time does not attend daycare at this time thanks to his Gamma and Papa Hurd (my Parents)...
     My parents retired nearby and have fofilled a promise that just over 2 years ago my anguished heart expressed a need for. I hope my parents enjoy Colts smiles, his sweet spirit and AJ close by watching over his little brother Colt.  Thank you, Mom for the first morning of reassurance, of when you asked where the monitor was.  I need to hear that you were just as committed to watch over Colt.  No gratitude will ever show enough appreciation for how fortunate I am to have the parents I have.  Thank you, Mom and Dad for setting my mind and heart at easy. Love you

No matter how old we are we need strength from our parents emotionally, spiritually and physically.

As I look into Colts eyes....

Friday July 12, 2013
     As I watch and hold Colt I feel as tho I am reliving moments with AJ and remembering AJ's brief time here on earth. Today I was cuddling Colt, it hit me how familiar the moment felt. Colt was swaddled and getting ready to fall asleep. I remember the sweet feeling I had felt when holding AJ. At this brief moment Colt's shape and weight was a flash back to holding AJ.  As a parent you cherish holding, loving and cuddling your child.  This starts from day one as a bond.  When AJ passed away, my arms were empty in a flash!!  My last memory of holding AJ was feeling his weighted little body just over 10lb that was no longer warm and snuggly.  I miss holding and watching his growing earthly body.
     Colt is now 8 weeks old. I keep having thoughts of a count down for the next 4 weeks. AJ passed away to SUID/SIDS when he was 2 months 27 days old. Meaning.... In my mind I am remembering AJ's last few weeks... What did we do with AJ, his smile and his giggle.  The girls getting toys to make him laugh and tickleing him.  Our usual rushed schedule of dance and school, AJ rode along in his car seat smiling at his sisters.  Thinking in my head of a countdown of sort has begun. This is hard to explain to someone who has not lost a child.  Oh... how I miss AJ!!!
I miss that Colt doesn't have his big brother here on earth to wrestle, play and learn from.  If AJ was still here on earth he would be 2 1/2.  Life would be much different for us running after a 2 1/2 yr old and taking care of a newborn, and ....keeping up with the 4 girls.
 I want to build, cherish and remember every moment with Colt.  I'm grateful for having a second chance to remember memories of AJ.