Thursday, January 31, 2013

AJ's 2nd Birthday in Heaven.....

     I never really know how to express how I feel about our sons birthday, except that it is a hard day for me. I had to write an eassay about something that I couldnt live without. One thing came to mind....the hand and foot molds that were made of AJ after he had passed away
                                                                 The Imprints
     To have a memory is to remember something that made an imprint.  Many items in an individual’s life become important for different reasons.  When an item is important enough to an individual, you see it as invaluable.  This item is thought of often and remembered with stirred emotion.  In my bedroom sits a box of tender memories.  It stirs emotions to the core of a mother or fathers heart.  This Box holds tender memories of a life spent short with a big eternal imprint on those around close by.  These imprints and memories leave wonder triggered by love.  Love, is that only a parent feels and bonds with a child instantly.  This imprint is made through touch of a simple hand or finger.   To hold a child’s hand is such a basic example of Love between a child and parent.
     This blue box that sits in my bedroom, holds just that a child’s imprint. In the box it includes a small locket of hair, imprints/molds of a hand and foot and a last outfit worn by a little boy.  The box was decorated with loving care with the purpose to hold a precious tangible memory.  To touch and hold this mold/imprint of a child brings back a flood of memories and wonder.  These imprints are that of a little boy that brought joy and love.  A little boy imprints left behind to remind a family of the details in life.  The little imprints have details that show what he would have been.  The details of the shape of a finger or nail bed are that of his fathers.  The shape of a hand that mimics and flows of that of a father shows a future of physical strength mortally and heavenly.  To look and hold this little imprint shows the connection of a parent and child.  The imprints are the last tangible shape of a little boy gone to soon.   The white shapes are perfect imprints of a little hand and foot.  The detail of the curves and shape trigger the memory of the simple experience of the love of touch. 
     To protect and keep these imprints safe have a work that goes beyond keeping the molds safe.  Materially, these molds are kept safe by loving parents to carry memories that are frozen in time.  An angel boy keeps a watchful hand and eye on a loving family left behind.  Little molds are small and cared for by those that hold on.  But, not far away a strong angel boy lends a hand to his family to find joy and guide them.   A child’s hand intertwined with a parent is a bond that is never broken.  This bond is built on different levels.   So often a tear falls on these molds wishing that they would become warm to the touch and be the real imprint of touch.  Touch of an angel is felt in moments to reassure that the touch of an imprint is felt on different levels.
     When a mother or father looks upon these imprints it brings a flood of thoughts of wonder.  These thoughts of wonder are of the future of what if.  For a brief time these hands held a piece of a blanket, reached for a toy, held another’s finger and would grasp at a small toy. Would have these hand imprints hold a ball, a car, build something or make a mess. Would they have carried a siblings hand, a snake or a mud pie?  Would have a little boys hands thrown a ball around with his future little brother? Now the little hands carry his family until they can touch again.
     Small imprints are different to many. These small imprints have made a greater imprint on the world left behind.  Too hold an imprint or hand mold is a reminder of how sweet a child is. The details of what could be and wonder of what could have been drive the imagination to answers.  A mother or father will always long for the warm touch of a little boy.  In brief moments a little angel reminds a family to look for joy and the simple effects that little hands can do.

      Dear AJ,
     Happy Birthday in Heaven our little boy... I hope you and your little brother are playing. I hope he brings a litle part of you to earth when he comes in May!!! Love and miss you beyond words little boy!!

Monday, January 7, 2013

Paul's Surprise!!!

Today is Paul's birthday.... He told me not to get him a gift. Being a wife I had to get creative.  I also had my 20 week appointment with my MD today. I requested to find out the gender of the baby and surprise Paul!!! (Well, I knew it would not be much of a surprise to him, because he told me what he thought the gender was) 
                                             HE WAS RIGHT on the Gender!!!! SHHHH....
    To at least have some fun.... I had the results written on a large cupcake and purchused some infant clothes, wrapped these items up.  When he got home he opened the gift bag, he got a big grin on his face.  Maddy, Anna and Cera were surprised also. We called Roma and told her the news also.


IT IS A BOY.... Unless we hear different at the next appointment. My Doctor was pretty sure it is a boy!!

Cera is a RAINBOW!!

  We always have entertainment around our home . This entertainment we receive brings us JOY, Smiles and Laughs!!!
The other Saturday morning we told Cera to go get dressed for the day and this is how she appeared after she got dressed.....  

She simply said to us... You never let me dress like a RAINBOW!! So...What were we to say as parents? Nothing ...We just smiled and said you can be a rainbow today. She explained that her hair is blond and is the yellow, the shirt is green with a pink sparkly skirt, and she also explained her rainbow had a edge of black because she had to wear leggings due to the cold weather. This picture is of her explaining her outfit. Her arms and hands were the clouds at the end of rainbows.  What a wonderful imagination Cera has!!!!
Oh, we love this Girl!!!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Christmas 2012

Christmas is always filled with activities and traditions.... 

Some of our favorite traditions

  •  Dance recital

  • Homemade Suckers

  • Family Christmas Tree and "AJ's" Christmas tree

  • Being together!!!

My favorite thing about Christmas is simplifing life and being with my Husband and Children!!

I was so grateful that all four of my girls were home for Christmas.

Christmas morning is always filled with fun and smiles and funny comments from a little 5 year old!!!

Cera was confused when her gift looked like a box of rice-a-roni. The look was priceless...but she was happy to open the box to find sparkly black boots!!! The rest of the morning she would of remind everyone to open the box....

For days we kept telling Cera to be good or she would get coal in her stocking... 1st thing she did christmas morning after looking in her stocking was... she exclaimed "I didn't get any coal!".  We all laughed..

Anna in her Owl hat holding Cache.

Cera wanted a Veterinarian kit, Well now she has one and can dress up

Moments at the Cemetery....

               Being a grieving parent is a different world....

          Becoming part of this world you learn that everyone views their time at the cemetery differently.  My sweet husband and I don't spend much time at the cemetery but, when we do go it has such personal meaning to us.  For example; in early December we went to the cemetery and placed a small Christmas tree for "AJ" While doing this my husband lovingly kneeled down cleaned away the overgrown grass and placed a small tree with a silver star.  Tears started to roll down my checks with overwhelming love for my husband and our son.  I still get frustrated this is part of my life... but it is the new me and has made me whom I have become.

            We like to take a ice candle to "AJ" on Christmas Eve but were not able to this year, so we put one on the front porch.  Earlier today Paul and I drove out to the cemetery to take a ice candle to "AJ".  Once again I watched my loving husband clear the snow away off of the headstone and place the candle and light it.  I once again had an overwhelming feeling of Love and tenderness towards my sweet husband and our son. 

Snow drifted on "AJ's" small Christmas tree

The candle glowing in a distance.... I wonder how long it stayed lit this year.

Halloween 2012



     I'm not much of one for costumes and dressing up.  But, my daughters all Love dressing up!!! Here are a few pics of Maddy, Anna and Cera .....

     I did struggle this day in my life long grieving process, I remember breaking down in tears and calling a dear friend. This friend is always willing to listen to me and my short grieving pity party... FYI....I am not one for long drawn out pity parties.  Anyways, I was seeing and watching so many people dress up their little boys and wishing and wanting "AJ" to be here with us.  I have learned to get out my tears and share my feelings. After a "good cry" and venting I felt so much better.  Always, Thank you to my dear friend you know who you are!!! Love to you and your selfless service and listening ear.

Some say I am CRAZY...And...yes I feel it

      This past Fall I took a leap of courage, at the encouragement of my husband. I went back to college!!! I made it through one semester. Now on to the next semester this January....AND I do feel a little crazy and I admit it!!!  This next year will be chalk filled with one adventure after another.... Family, Kids activites, work, being pregnant and having a baby, and going to college!!!

        I Love my Life!! it really isn't all that crazy. It is a fun and busy life full of what makes us happy!!
If we are not Happy we won't find a moment everyday that bring us Joy!!!

       This is what has gotten me through my crazy moments and continue to help me laugh to make it through my  Wonderful Crazy year to come!!! Here's to 2013!!

1st day of school... August 2012

             Late put finally posted.... The 3 girls left at home started school with excitement!!!!

Maddy started 8th grade at Legacy Jr High!!!

Anna started 4th grade and Cera entered Kindergarten!!!   FYI...I didn't start to get teary eyed until the second day of school for the girls. 

All 3 girls are doing great so far this year!!!  and have mixed emotions about going back after winter break!!!

Writing and feeling....

           As I sit here catching up on my blog... I feel little movements within me of a growing spirit that has been given to us. What an honor it is to be a parent!  To be a parent is such an over whelming honor and gift.  As the weeks will progress I know these stronger movements will bring on a flood of emotions.  Not sure how I will ride out my emotions...

             I did make it through the first set of flood gates.  When we first found out I was pregnant, I was worried I would have a miscarriage.  I had this fear because I did have my first ever miscarraige in the spring 2012.  When I made it past 10 weeks, at 12 weeks had an ultrasound we were told everything looked great and heard a strong heart beat I felt such relief.  The first set of fears had been set free.... Now on to many more steps of overcoming fears and processing emotions.  It is easier to say it will all be ok...But with faith I/We will be comforted and find Joy!!!

Roma's Graduation and College

                  Roma's Graduation and Going to College

     Not that I forgot to write about this important event....I had so many thoughts and mixed emotions about this life turning event for my eldest daughter!!!
       When I had her at a young age I felt scared and unsure of what I would want her to accomplish and fo-fill.  All I could think and remember feeling was to guide her, in the ways of truth and righteousness and also teach her the importance of her education for her future!  I am beyond words of how proud of her that I am!!!  She has over come so many trials ranging from orthopedic surgeries and having dyslexia.  I will admit, her stubbornness and strong will has pulled her through every trial in life so far.

She was able to graduate from LAYTON HIGH in June of 2012 with honors!!! 

AND..... in  August she started to attend SOUTHERN UTAH UNIVERSITY!!!


Roma moved into her off-campus apartment!!!

As usual...A few too many shoes!!!! Roma loves her shoes!!!
     I am so glad she has chosen to go away for college for an amazing life experience!!!

Our Big Announcement!!!!

     I'm hoping to catch up on so much this week to share ... So hopefully I will be able to share about so much I didnt't get to post over this last year.  This posting will be the start, of this weeks flood of postings.  Here goes the first of hopefully many to come!!!

         Here is our big announcement!!!

                 WE ARE EXPECTING!!

                     DUE: MAY 27,2013

      We are happy, excited, nervous and very blessed for a gift from Heaven.  I am 19 weeks along already!!! We told the girls several weeks ago..... All 4 reacted differently.  For example.... Anna stated "it is about time", little Cera stated questioning "Will this baby die too?".  I told Cera we can only hope this new little one will stay and Angel AJ will always watch over her and all of us.  We know that we will have Joy, excitment and anxious nerves on this rollar coaster as we have this new little one join us.  We have slowly told others our exciting news.  I have found I hear several responses from people when they hear I am pregnant....
  1.  Wow !! you are so old July and your kids are so spaced apart
  2. I actually have heard the comment that I am replacing my son "AJ". -Which is so Wrong!!
  3. MY FAVORITE REPONSE, That when someone hears we are expecting, they truly are happy for us and share in our excitement of hope!
                                For Christmas we shared our excitement on our Christmas card!!!!