Thursday, March 29, 2012

Grief and Anger

I mainly thought I would try this "blogging" for several reasons.
   1. A place to share about our new journey
   2. A place to vent/share about my grief
   3. A place for others to know they are not alone in this journey of Parental Grief
   4. A place to share to others about Parental grief

          In this process of expressing myself comes a new thing also.....Bearing open my soul. This is a huge step to put myself  into, I guess in some terms "out there as a open book".  I have had a tough couple of weeks... and I have way to much to express at this time.  SO.... right now I want to focus what is really bugging me. 
     I have felt alot of anger lately. I have not felt like myself either. I am normally a very easy going person, positive and not a angry person. So it has bothered me that I feel anger/frustration!!!! A sweet friend of mine told me I reminded her of the movie "Enchanted".   Her reason behind that was that I have had frustration on how to handle my anger/frustration. In the movie "Enchanted" the Princess also had troubles finding how to deal with anger and those feelings. (I am NOT saying I am a princess) But this is just an example of, I am lost in learning to deal with these emotions just like the princess.    

     Now that I have said I am having anger/frustration, it is a step they say in the grieving process.  Since my Baby Boy AJ passed away I /We have tried sooo hard to find the JOY in our new journey. It is not all that easy some days!!!! The say there are 5 steps in the grieving process.  In Theory these steps can be done in order, mixed up and redone and manifest at different phases.
The stages, include:
  1. Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
    Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions. Denial is a defense mechanism and some people can become locked in this stage.
  2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
    Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.
  3. Bargaining — The What if's and could of done different...
  4. Depression — Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
  5. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
    In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their grief, or tragic event.

     I found that I have avoided being angry and have been in survival mood for way to LONG....  An event the last few weeks have triggered so many emotions and mainly Anger within me.
 Well!!!! HECK!!! I have hit the ANGER !!! and I am struggling with facing it and processing my anger!  It is NOT fair what has happened to My Family!!!!!
I NEED to find a way to dig out of this PHASE of ANGER, I dont like it at all!!!!
   So in this process of grieving....The only and first step I see to get through my anger is found in Matt 11:29-30. Christ is the way he will give my soul rest, But I have to be willing to put my burdens on his yoke.  Not so easy....  I know I have to be willing to let go of my anger/frustration. My frustration and anger is: I want and need my little boy back and I cant at this time. I/We are grieving for this lost earthly time with our infant son.
    I need to recapture my inner peace of finding JOY!!!! This phase needs to pass....and will pass by. But for now I am learning and trying to heal. This Heavenly Journey is tiring and painful at times. Healing a broken heart is a slow journey, But goes alot less bumpy with Christ guiding me/us.

    Thank you to those that have been patient with me, during my tantrums. My tantrums will pass...  

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing your feelings and grief with us. You are an amazing daughter of God !