When I first started doing this blog to help myself, help other grieving parents and to shed some light to those that want to support those grieving. I felt clear in my thoughts at that time .... my clarity of expression has become clouded or filled with fog. I try to sit and type to express my thoughts, that have become jumbled and confused. My feelings don't come out clear or what I perceive as clear. In hopes to find clarity of my feelings that I once could see through the fog. I need to figure out when the clarity began to be foggy.
I noticed I lost myself by over-extending myself and losing myself... Between family, sleep derivation, work and going to school.... I put myself emotionally on a shelf. The fog became thicker. A few months ago I felt the build up. The thickness of the fog hid the grief my heart was trying to forget and hid from my own foresight of acknowledgement....
I was forced to acknowledge the reality before I totally lost it. I honestly know my aching heart of grief won't ever be forgotten. It was only being neglected!!!
My breaking point of realization was when I broke down in a mess of tears that I didn't want to face. I kept hearing and seeing socially mothers crying to watch their 3 yr old going to preschool. Why cry...? These mothers are not missing watching their son growing up. They get to watch and cherish every milestone. I don't understand.... I would give anything to rejoice in AJ going to preschool this last year. After the tears broke through the fog I realized the reality of neglecting my own grieving heart.
Now learning again to find clarity in life and not to neglect my own grieving heart.
The search is on to find a better way ....
What I know will work:
- Scripture study
- Finding Joy
- Finding fun again
- reorganize and relearn to plan
Next to make it start to work and not get lost in the FOG.
My grieving heart is important and deserves to be taken care of !!
I need to always remember LIGHT breaks up the FOG.... I need to let the light in.
Boy...Oh Boy... I hope this made some sense. If it didn't , I apologize for my "crazy grieving heart"
I know here I go again....