Saturday, May 12, 2012

Mothers not easy

Mothers Day....Is not a day I have enjoyed over the years being a mom. I know that sounds wrong....
     Growing up I celebrated my wonderful Mother!! I overflowed in excitement of giving her a gift I had made at school or church. As I got older I looked forward in making my mom breakfast and doing things for her that made her smile.  What a wonderful blessing, listener, example, teacher and friend my mom is to me!!!  I would not be who I am without her!!! I saw and was taught by my father to treat my mother the best in every way.  As I became a young mother, I came to feel that I didn't fill the shoes that needed to be filled as a mother.   As years went by, many Mother Days came and gone.... Some years I would be fine and hide my ill harbored feelings of dismay of Mothers Day and other years I would be tearful.  Either way I would have guilt on how I saw my daughters see how I didnt enjoy the day.  
       In talking with a friend of mine this past week ...I learned I am not crazy in my feelings.  At church, newspaper, radio, and any Mother's Day Stories you hear set so many expectations of mothers. This expectations remind me of my shortcomings  as a mother. I have felt these shortcoming due to my own wants and expectations of myself that I have put on myself.  We are always our hardest critic. Besides feeling like I have come short on Motherhood and being all that I SHOULD be.... 
       Last year on Mothers Day My Heart ached so hard and forever does.  Every mother/mom celebrates in the JOY of having ALL thier children around them. Majority of women see JOY in thier children.  AJ passed away just weekes before Mothers Day.... I mustered up courage to go to church that mothers day last year.  I remember the pain I felt missing my/our infant son. I got ready for church trying to just push through the motions of a grieving parent. We drove to church, my family went into the building in the pouring rain. I could not get out of the car...I felt frozen, not wanting to move. I continued to stay in the car. I felt bad in failing my husbands hope and my daughters that I would join them in church. I stayed in the car with tears flowing down my face. As I cried tears of heart ache. People would walk by either ignoring my pain or not noticing. The rain could of been hiding the tears on my face.... I continued to feel a numb pain the rest of the day.  

     Ultimately we all have the choice to enjoy a day meant for us and others to remember and show graditude.  Mothers day to me is yes, to tell my mom I love her and thanks to her. Not only to my sweet mother but to other women whom have made a difference in my life.  Also to be able to find JOY in ALL my CHILDREN!!!  I beyond words Love my Children like any mother does!!!
     I will forever miss to hear the voice from my/our son AJ, calling to me. Meanwhile I can only dream of hearing him in my dreams.  Ask any grieving mother how this day is hard.....  Mothers day is incomplete now having AJ not here. This day is now double hard for me more than ever before.  It has become my task to find Joy in my "New Life" sice AJ has passed away.  It is not so easy somedays, But I try fervently every day.                                                   

I Love this Phrase!!! This is how I feel about ALL my Children!

Many Hugs  and Loves to and MANY thousands of Thank-You's!!!!
      My Mom, Both my mom in-laws (DeAnn and Clara),  My Grandmas;  Gma Vicky "Mauzi" (Gma Roma and Granny whom that have past away). These women are; whom I learn from, have learned from and will always learn from.


  1. I will forever remember that day sitting with you for a bit in your car, just wanting to let you know that you are loved and my thoughts and prayers of comfort were with you, and it was alright to that you didn't go in. You made it to the parking lot and that was a big step as it was.