Monday, May 18, 2015

Just Get through the day.... is really how it feels

Our emotions as normal started to build up and accumulate as we anticipated April 27..... 
April 27 is forever a day etched and frozen in time. The day before,  Sunday we started to feel a aching heavy heart. We chose to stay home from church and lay low.  We felt emotionally vulnerable.  Honestly it is easier to hide our raw vulnerability of emotions.  We just wanted to be home where we felt safe.  We made breakfast, cleaned a little bit, went for a drive/adventure and relaxed ..... I also observed Paul looking through Aj's chest. This cedar chest made by Paul holds material memories and what we hold dear to our heart of our son gone to soon.  Walking up behind him I could already feel his tears on his face as he shuffled through memories and what ifs....

We went on a Drive/Adventure. We went up to see the trains and where the locomotives met and brought the east and west together. The Golden Spike historical monument.  I guess what else do you do to distract yourself of your heavy emotions.... Get away into history and bore the kids.

       April 27, 2015 was four years since Aj passed away. I unfortunately had to work while my sweet dear husband spent the day keeping busy on his own.  I found I had to ignore every thought of what April 27 stood frozen in time as to me. If I was to survive the day without a red teary eyed face. I found that my grieving mama heart is often put aside to survive. When the moment came that I could escape work .... my body felt over run with emotion as a walked out to my car. A sense of relief that I could feel my emotions flood. My eyes, heart and mind started to drop. I finally reached my car in despair and tears asking God for the thousandth time in four years why us and why our Aj ??? 

     Later after work we drove out to Hooper cemetery to release balloons. We missed having Roma and Maddy with us this day.  Anna and Cera have adjusted to our rituals and oddly and lovingly look forward to it.  Colt with bright eyes of awe and excitement releases the balloons unknowingly to his older brother. 
Phew.... we got through the day again.

  **   I remind myself it is only one day. Joy is in every day and sometimes easier to find some days than others. I saw the Joy when the balloons were released in each Colt, Cera and Anna's face.

                      Colt was waving bye to the Balloons..... Or maybe waving at his big brother...

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