My Beautiful Heartbreak

   We all suffer hardship/heartaches of some kind or other.  When AJ passed away I had NEVER felt such hear ache.  I learned very quickly that my sorrow could consume my minutes...hours....days...I remember seeing babies after AJ passed and being so jealous, angry, sad and confused of "why me/us".  My thoughts would fester on what AJ should of been doing. It became my choice to allow myself to fall into the pits of wallowing in my heartache.  I had days that I let my heart ache eat at my very soul.  I would think constantly of AJ and my personal heartache of pain.  It took distractions, love and finding Joy in life again that helped me see the road I was placed on.  This road has become my/our personal experience.  I had to learn to embrace my heartache. My heartache, just like anyone's is a personal experience.
    Learning to see that my road is different yet the same to many, it is my personal road... MY EXPERIENCES.... MY HEARTBREAK.... MORE THAN THAT MY BEAUTIFUL HEARTBREAK!!!!
  My heartache is beautiful in many ways.... The beauty is brought and manifested through AJ and also Christ's Atonement.

Soon after AJ passed I heard a song Beautiful Heartbreak, By Hillary Weeks. This song hit it right on how I was wanting to feel.  This song helped me to see how beautiful each and every heartache is that we face. BUT!!!! it is our personal choice to push through to find the joy in the heartache.
Thank you for such a  Beautiful song!!

I know... I am not the same person before AJ...I am a different and hopefully changed for the better due to my BEAUTIFUL HEARTBREAK.

Lyrics to Beautiful Heartbreak:         

I had it all mapped out in front of me,
Knew just where I wanted to go;
But life decided to change my plans,
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.

I knew there was no way over it,
So I searched for a way around;
Brokenhearted I started climbin',
And at the top I found...

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

I never dreamed my heart would make it,
I thought about turning around;
But heaven has shown me miracles,
I never would have seen from the ground.

Now I take the rain with the sunshine,
Cause there's one thing that I know;
He picks up the pieces,
Along each broken road.

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

Dreaming of a Little Boy's Shadow

As I Sit, Type, Post and Share about our family... I miss posting all about AJ!!!  I should have a little boy around here... He would be 2 years old.  He should be getting into his big sisters stuff, pulling at his little brother, running away from us and playing in the dirt. I can only watch other little boys around AJ's age and only dream of what he would be doing.


In my dreams I see a little boy playing. As I see this little boy play it is like seeing a shadow moving and playing. My curiosity is brimming to know what AJ's face looks like as he grows.





The what "if's" and "should of's" are hard on a mother's/parents grieving heart.  I can't even describe my aching heart some days and moments regarding how deeply I/we miss AJ.

Colts Blessing Day

July 7, 2013 We celebrated an important day for our family.

    We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints.  A Baby Blessing is an opportunity that a baby has to receive a name and blessing during Sunday services.  This day for us was to focus on Baby Colt and the gift he is to us from Heavenly Father.  Months ago, before Colt was even born I had picked out a little tan linen pant/vest with a white shirt with blue pin stripes. This outfit even had a tan hat that matched. I couldn't imagine putting Colt in white that day as most have traditionally done. (Placing him in all white brought too many memories of AJ's funeral services).

COLT, was blessed to have a long life. Bring joy and happiness through the doors he walks through.
That morning brought a strong spiritual presence to us of peace....AJ was felt very close. I believe that those that have passed will be spiritually present on special occasions.

 We planned a brunch for after church with family. Colt was passed around and loved on by many.
As usual I got busy with everyone and visiting is missed many photo opportunities.

Also that same day A close friend of our family blessed their baby girl the same day.  How adorable these 2 babies are growing up together!!!!

On the other side of this joyful day.... we never got to have this joyful day with AJ, instead we had a funeral. AJ passed away the Wednesday before he would of had his blessing on that Sunday. It was hard to not make that memory with AJ. It was hard emotionally for me to plan and actually have Colts special day. Due to my fears and emotions.... we tried to keep the invite list small which is hard to do with our very large family.

Summer fun...2013

    Due to how my maternity leave played out, I was able to be home majority of the summer!!  I was able to be home and enjoy 4 girls home and Colt.  Roma came home from College for the Summer. She worked hard saving money for College. Maddy fell at Dance practice one night and broke her ankle. Cera and Anna enjoyed the Summer Fun And Baby Colt tagged along.


Our summer was filled of the usual summer fun!!!!

                                                       Dance.... Dance.... Dance!!!!!!!!!!!

Late nights... Creative Fun..... Done our Way!!!!!

 Made Fairies in a jar. This left glitter every where... But entertained for an evening.

 We grew a crystal garden, it was fun to watch for several weeks.

 We did several other fun quick and easy projects: made big crayons, made a pet jelly fish and flubber, friendship bracelets and all the summer fun from camping.... going to Aunt Tam's to playing in the water...... Going to Lagoon 1 time (that is all I can handle...HaHA...)


  Eating Ice Cream at Farr's on a hot evening after Family pictures.

 Watching Colt grow and smile!!!!


No Summer is complete without watching fireworks several times!!!!