Memorial Day 2013

       Once again we went out to Hooper Cemetery to take balloons to AJ.  My parents also meet us out there.  They recently have moved here to Utah. The only thing new and different was that we took Colt for the first time.  The girls seemed excited to take Colt. One of the girls said to Colt,"You get to go see your brother!".  That actually brought tears to my eyes.  I know he wont, but in the innocence of a child that is what they see as the place where we visit/honor/remember AJ.  I know and feel that AJ is with us and watches over us.  He is with/near us not just hanging out at a cemetery.

Cera once again running through the cemetery

     As I have mentioned in a previous blog I feel that AJ and Colt are Eternal Best Friends and have always been close. I am a lucky mother to have been blessed with sons that have always been friends and will run to each other when they see each other again in Heaven!!!!

Colt Thomas Robison

Our new addition !!!! 

May 16, 2013 11:07AM

7 lbs 15 oz and 19 in long

                                                                                   

Colts little details...

• Dark brown hair on the back of his head, fuzzy on top
• Little tufts of hair on his ears
• Folded ears, slowly unfolding
• Soft warm skin
• Chubby kissable checks
• dark eyes trying to open with effort
• Curling up his legs
• Making faces while he sleeps
• New baby scent
• Small little hands/feet
• A cry saying "Hello"

Hospital pics that were done.  He is adorable in every way!!!! We love him to pieces!!

                                                                   

 




Heading home to his new earthly adventure......

Our new arrivals Journey begins......

My denial begins of the events that were to start to unfold.....

     On May 15th, 2013, I awoke with many ideas of what I wanted to get done that day.  I had errands to run and projects to get done. One project was to get my flower pots filled with new flowers for the season.  Cera, Cady (Cera's friend), Roma and I ventured out to the errands for the morning.  Drop of other kids to school started the adventure.... stop by a friends to buy skirts for the girls, buy flowers for pots at Joe's greenhouse and a quick stop at Walmart. After the errands Roma went to lunch with friends and I dropped Cera and Cady off at kindergarten.  I was craving protein, so I called my parents to meet up for lunch.  We meet over at BBQ place so I could have protein... HaHa...Ha.. This craving of protein happened just before I went into labor with Cera. I knew, I would go into labor within a few days.

     During lunch with my parents I started to have contractions.  I figured braxton hicks contractions, not the real contractions.  My parents became a little suspicious of the on going contractions.  We went back to my house after lunch. Kids came home from school. My parents hung out with us, while I continued to have contractions.
   
      My project of the flower pots, dawned on me! I didn't want to waste money spent on flowers.  My parents and kids got trapped into my project!  It became kinda comical as I would have contractions and try... to help plant the flowers in the pots.  My Dad kept the project going and told the girls, "when your mother has an idea in her head she won't stop till it is done". Thanks Dad it got done!!!

     Around 5 pm my husband came home from work.  With contractions still continuing, my parents felt it was ok to leave now with Paul home.  Like most women, I don't like to head up to Labor/delivery and be told my body is not ready and return home.  I thought I would lay down and see if the contractions would stop.  And....No, contractions continued with irregularity and getting closer.   Around 730, Paul had to go get Maddy from dance.  While he was gone he had Cera write down the times I was having contractions while he was gone.... She was excited to have the responsibility to watch me in pain..HAHAHA...  She was on top of writing down the times of contractions that where any where from 3- 9 min apart.  After awhile she got quiet and fell asleep.... and Paul was only gone 45 min!!! 

     As the evening rolled by Paul and the girls talked me into packing my hospital bag.  As it past 10 pm, Paul was adamant that it was time to head to the hospital. To be honest I was in some denial of it was time to have our newest addition.  I had a heart full of fear and a heart that has been mending. I was scared and worried about bonding with this new baby boy.  Part of my heart was trying to protect the broken part of my heart from losing AJ.  So many mixed emotions and the fear of losing another baby were hitting me!!! I finally gave in and went to the hospital.... I was not sent home ...I was admitted to have our new arrival!!!!
   
     And ...as I laid in the hospital bed my anxious heart had a sense of calmness and relaxed.  I knew my heart was ready for this baby boy to bring Joy to my/our broken hearts.  At that moment I didn't realize that the sense of calmness had been bestowed upon me by a our Heavenly Angel that watches over us. I had dreamed and wanted to feel AJ close during this moment when he was sending his little brother to us.  I believe and feel AJ helping me to feel calm and focus on bonding with his brother was his way to be there for me. No matter how close but so far apart apart Heaven and Earth are, I know AJ is closer than we know.

     At the moment as I heard our sweet brand new baby cry, All I could do is cry. My tears were of many feelings and emotions. This is hard to describe, yet my tears flowed as I was handed this brand new sweet baby.  To hold a baby again.... my/our baby.  I whispered many times to this little baby, "Stay with us, please don't leave us".

    The 2 closest ways to be near to Heaven, holding a baby just sent from heaven and being at the Temple.

     We had troubles naming this little boy.  It took several hours for Paul and I to agree on a name.  This sweet little boy was finally named ....Colt Thomas Robison!!!

Bring out the baby stuff....

       2 years ago I felt as if all of the baby stuff was taken from me!! It is harder than I thought it would be to bring it all back out... When AJ passed away I felt as tho everyone kept trying to take/hide the baby stuff away. It was all disappearing and being put away.  Unknown to me others were doing this to protect me.  I do remember at one point yelling, and saying "Stop, leave it alone!".  
     Now as time quickly is upon us for this new little baby boy to join us, these baby items are being brought back out.  I haven't seen or touched these items in so long.  As I look and touch these items, glimpses of a baby "AJ" comes rushing back to me with tearful memories and heartache.  A car seat, stroller and a bassinet were the first of items to be touched and release memories good and bad from just over 2 years ago.  As I put the bassinet back together, I found the sheet from AJ still on the mattress waiting to be washed. This brought tears of a time ripped from us and put away.  Another item that still sits bagged up waiting to get wiped down, is the car seat that Paul hand picked out. 

   

 The seasons will be off from AJ to this baby. It has been wonderful to get so many things just for this wee little baby that is coming.  It was hard to look at a filled baby dresser that I never unpacked from AJ.  I have wondered what I/we would be ok seeing this new son/brother wearing that AJ did.  We are learning between Paul and I that certain items effect us individually and different.  One item has hung in our bathroom for 2 years was a white washcloth that was used on AJ.  It has now been switched out for a brown washcloth.

We were given this pillow, I love this quote and makes me think of my sons especially today on mothers   day.    

     My heart will forever ache for our son AJ, but is opening up for a new little spirit that I wish could tell me his heavenly secrets of his older brother. 

Wedding anniversary

I am  one LUCKY woman!!

      I'm a little late in posting this. Last month Paul and I celebrated our wedding anniversary. He may not be a man of many words, But I know he loves me more than anything. They say that the hardest things in life will either strenghen your marriage or break it.  We have gone through the hardest thing that a couple could ever continually live through, "Loss of a child".  I would of never gotten as far as I have in my grieving/healing process if it were not for my husband....And I would hope I have been there for him also.  Everyday I am grateful for my sweet, humble, thoughtful and hard working husband!!!

 I was so lucky to receive these Flowers and Chocolates from him!! What I most love about our relationship is that we both want the other happy and each others dreams to be fo-filled.

A Wonderful Day of Mixed Emotions....

    

     2 years ago today..... My world was pulled out from underneath me, my heart was broken, I became empty and numb, or whatever else might explain the nightmare of loosing a child we/I had been drug into.  I remember bits and pieces of that day, like it was yesterday. But, some moments I don't remember as well.  The feeling of disbelief was my first reaction I remember.  So much anguish my heart had to feel that day, that is hard to describe. 

     How did we spend April 27, 2013..... How does a family spend a day that will forever be frozen in time as a day to remember a sweet baby became a angel???

   For starters Paul and I took Anna to her Soccer game bright and early. As we got to the game, Paul and I were both hungry, we didn't grab breakfast. So, I left them at the game to go get doughnuts for us.  I knew what day I had waken to that morning.  On my drive alone I had my tears fall, missing our baby boy that left us to soon. I did return to the soccer game with doughnuts to share. After the game Paul, Anna and I returned home to work on clean up.
    That afternoon, Anna and a sweet neighbor had planned a baby shower for this new baby.  There was a wonderful turn out of Church friends, neighbors and Pauls Mom and Sister came. It tickled my heart to see Anna so happy that the party she helped plan was such a great success! Thank yo to so many who gave us such wonderful gifts and support!  I am so blessed to have such wonderful people around our family.  I had such a good time visiting I forgot to take pictures...oops
    After the Baby Shower we then went to the cemetery as a family.  We got balloons on the way to the cemetery.  I noticed some reactions from some people while Paul walked out of the store with the huge amount of balloons in hand.  I saw people pointing at Paul and smiling. The thought occurred to me would they still be smiling if they knew we were going to release the balloons to our son who passed away???

Anna didnt like it when the balloons would pop by her.

     Anyway...we went to the cemetery and released balloons to AJ to play with in Heaven.  Cera ran around the cemetery like it is a park.  My husband once again pulled at my heartstrings as he knelt down to clean off our sons headstone from dry grass. 

Maddy, Anna, Cera, Paul and I released balloons and watched them float away.  It was nothing like the day we buried him when we watched hundreds of balloons float away and freckled the sky with color.  We didn't stay too long, the sprinklers were on...lol. Cera and Anna were happy to get a little wet tho.

     We than went and grabbed dinner. We all were tired so, we decided to get a new Wii game came home to play as a family. I know we are boring but we were together...not all together, Roma is still gone for another week at college.

    

      I had several moments today that I broke down in tears. I know it is good to let the tears flow.  I also have had to learn the art of "fake it till you make it, with a smile on".  I was touched when a few people asked or sent messages of remembering AJ today.  I know in time most people forget what today is to us, and I have excepted that. But for those who remember, Thank you!!! You have no clue how much it means that you do remember AJ.

     Having the baby shower today was a little tough but, I did it!!!  I felt a little guilty at times today celebrating a new baby while it is AJ's angel day.


I/WE will forever Love you our First Born Son and Brother!!

Excitment, Worry or Fear is Building.....

                                I have never felt such joy/excitement and anxiety/fear all at once!!
                                                 

                           I am thrilled beyond words to have another son in just over 7 weeks!!!

Before AJ passed away I was not one to have anxiety, but since then I have noticed many moments of anxiety.  I am learning how to cope with these feelings.  I have noticed my anxiety and fear of this new little boy coming to join us. I have been told it is ok and normal what I am feeling.  I have had dreams of not letting this little baby out of my sight.  I am learning and figuring out what I can do to help ease my emotions. 
     There are clothing items, a car seat cover and several other things that I won't emotionally be able to reuse.  Some items will forever be connected to memories of AJ and not used for another.  Only those that have lost a child can understand this thought process.
      I have already bought a blessing outfit for church for this new little one. I purchased something not white, I could not bear to see another son of ours all in white. It would bring to many tearful memories back to me.
      I'm researching monitors to watch respirations.  There are some monitors available, that alarm if the baby has no movement.  I like to plan out and know what to expect.  In analyzing my own reactions and behaviors, I feel like I am trying to plan out certain things that I can have control over.

These are ways my fear is out weighing my emotions..... I do know that this sweet baby will bring more Joy  to our family more than we will ever know!!!  --- Just like today Cera was touching my belly and felt the baby move!!! she jumped and got so excited. I know these sisters will Love and cherish their new brother and watch a close eye on him!!!