April 27....

Yesterday... April 27 was just  NOT another day in the year and will never be just a another day to us.  It is a sacred day.  A year ago my family and those near and close to us, our lives were changed forever!!!  My/Our son passed away to SIDS. Every parents nightmare was my/our reality!!!  My/Our heart broke.  We had our son Acea Jack "AJ" here with us for 2 months and 27 wonderful days!!!  Every moment my heart aches and longs for him.  He brought me, my husband and his sisters JOY!!!

 

  

                                                  

A year ago...I walked into my nightmare.

Remembering back a year ago, it is a blurr. Such anguish, pain and heartache.  Instead of finishing planning AJ's baby blessing at church, We had to plan his funeral services. I hated doing that process last year.  I felt inspiration at one point that AJ wanted his small life shared big. All of a sudden thoughts were pouring out of me of how AJ enjoyed his time and what he did.  We made note cards stating all these thoughts...His earthly memories were shared. 

       From that moment of losing my/our little AJ...We have been taught so many lessons of Eternal Families, Faith, Joy, Love, Service, Christ's greatest gift of the Atonement and many more....

      

      This year we spent this sacred day by Paul and I spending time at the Temple for the morning, Paul and I hung out together, we went to the cemetery to send balloons to AJ to play with, we ate doughnut "Halos", had family pictures taken and had dinner as a family.  

 

     

 Only another grieving parent can understand this lifelong heartache....

I tell people, "my heart is being stitched back together. My heart will always have a scar on it". 

  Thank you to friends and family; that have called, brought meals over, Listened and cried with me/us, and being there when not even asked.

Another busy week Gone and Another coming...

Last week was Busy and had Possibilities of Drama.... This next week is Busy and Can Be Emotional!

Last week....
        Maddy practiced, practiced and practiced!!! She wanted to try out for cheerleading. She didn't make it...but I am so proud of her for trying!!! She is a Brave, Strong and Talented young lady. She is an example of Hard Work and Patience. I am so impressed of how she balances her life.
         Roma yesterday took a big risk and went out on a Blind date!!! Not only her taking a risk her date did also.  I'm so proud of her to take that risk and enjoy her time at Prom!!! Roma is a Beautiful, Hardworking and Goal/Dream driven individual!!!  She has provided an example to her sisters in many ways!!!
         I LOVE YOU BOTH so Much!!!!  I wanted to take a moment to remind you both how wonderful you both are.


This next week....
         A busy week of distractions can be good and interfere with a process of grieving.  As I hit this week running, we have extra dance practices for 3 girls for a dance competition on Saturday and my sweet angel sons, "Angel Day" this week.  An "Angel Day" is a kinder way to state the day he passed away for those who don't know the term.  So many thoughts and feelings of grief, sorrow, heartache, lost dreams, I could go on and on but those terms bring me such negative feelings. The thoughts that have brought me more positive feelings through this last year are; JOY, HOPE, FAITH, COMFORT, PEACE, PATIENCE, ENDURING.  These are only a few terms/words to describe my "Healing Thoughts". Some how I want to find the time to write down my " Healing Thoughts". I hope by writing down  "Healing Thoughts" Will help me and help other grieving moms and families. I pray that my trial has and will always help me grow spiritually and leave me wanting to be a better Mother, Wife, and Friend. 

         What I am needing this week is finding COMFORT and JOY!!! In the Scripture Romans 15:4 ..."that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope".  I need to heed and hold closer to that. I find over the last year I find such comfort to answers in my heart/soul by searching for answers in the scriptures.  I need to listen more to the quiet moments to when the Holy Ghost is guiding me and giving me that personal revelation. In those moments that I listen write down to remember what I am being inspired and taught. I know my Heavenly Father loves me and doesn't want me to hurt. He wants me to find JOY and PEACE!!!  In John 16:20... "and ye shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow shall be turned into Joy" and in John16:22 "And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you."  We are meant to have SORROW and JOY!!! It is our choice how we will handle any trial and what we do with it!!!!

             I/We all need to find what brings us JOY!!!  Sorrow takes to much time, energy and pain. JOY and COMFORT will bring balance in the Grieving process or trials.

Disneyland and .....

     Well we lived through it but, we are very exhausted!!! Paul and I willingly and Joyfully took the 4 Girls  to California for Spring Break. Here is how it played out....

  Day 1:  We choose to start our drive to California on a Tuesday afternoon/evening after work. We had a goal to make it to St George that night. We planned to stay at my Sis in law Tam's house.  The mini-van was packed ever so organized and carefully.  Snacks, entertainment and anything we might need packed in small/med clear plastic bins....( i know I sound Crazy, yet experienced).  Movies packed for endless entertainment. I remember many trips growing up wishing for that convience to entertain my siblings and I on many of our long trips either to Oklahoma or Utah growing up.

              We left just after 6 pm.  Our drive started out with the LONGEST intersection light!!!! We all said "Should've gone the other way". Oh-well... We were off with a family prayer and happy kiddos of every age with anticipation of an adventure.  We did make it to St. George after11pm.

         

     Day 2:  Thank you to Tam and Dave's family!!! They are wonderful hosts. We got up and aimed to be gone by 8am....Did not work. Try getting 4 Girls out the door and 2 of those teens.  We drove Through LasVegas and onward to California. We had hoped the drive would only be 5-6 hours. But we got caught in construction delays!!!

               Finally we made it to our Hotel!!!  We were happy with our room. We unpacked...waited for the next shuttle to Disneyland from our hotel!!!  We were off, for our 1st day out of 3 days at Disneyland. We hit the crowds with excitement.  Cinderella's Castle stood there pulling the girls toward it.  When Cera walked in the Castle doors, she had a look of disappointment. She realized it was not a real castle!!! Poor little girl had hoped to see what the moves show in castles.  We walked around getting our bearings and catching a rides.  We bounced/hopped back and forth from Disney and California Adventure.  Anna, Cera and I enjoyed wandering Bugs World and Monster Inc ride.  Paul, Roma and Maddy got to take a peek of the fireworks as they rode the Hollywood Hotel Terror ride.  What a START to our Adventure. We all went back to the hotel tired and a plan for the next day.

 

  Day 3:  We got up VERY early!!! Kids up and going again and faster then they did the day before. We got already and went down to the hotel breakfast buffet.... The kids were happy for french toast.  After breakfast we took off for Sea World!!!  The only one not happy about going to Sea World was Cera. She wanted to go back to Disneyland!!! Poor Cera, We had to promise her the first thing the next day at Disneyland would be seeing the princesses. We packed up snacks and sunscreen.  We drove down to San Diego.   We enjoyed the scenic drive but not the traffic.  On a personal note; I love Sea World  and I was excited!!!  We found our way to Sea World.  Just after we walked in the gates we were told the Shamu Show was starting.  We caught the show as a great start to our day.  What wonderful creatures we saw with great talent. 

After seeing the Shamu show went went over to the the dolphins. The sea loins show was a great comedy, Anna describes it like that. FYI...Anna someday should be a critic.  The girls had an opportunity to feed the dolphins.  We walked over to another area where we all got to touch starfish. 

 

We rode a sky ride that went out over the ocean, saw penguins and turtles, walked under the sharks.  The girls rode a few more rides.

While Paul, Roma, Maddy and Anna went on big rides, I took Cera to the Sesame street area.  Cera loved seeing Elmo and riding the Sesame Street rides. To finish up sea world, Paul and the 3 older girls went to go on the water ride "Journey to Atlantis". Cera fell asleep worn out from the excitement and fun. So, I waited with Cera on a bench. While waiting I saw Adam Sandler there with his family...LOL...He was trying to lead a normal life. I was surprised people were only watching him and not attacking him with attention.  Even tho we packed up the sunscreen, we forgot to put it on. So...the sun crispness started!!!

               The Girls all wanted to go see the beach close up. So we drove out  to Coronado Island.  The bridge over to the island was amazing!!  We got ice cream and walked out to the beach.  Poor Cera was shivering eating her ice cream and Roma was wanting pictures of her on the beach.  Anna and Cera looked for some bits and pieces of shells. Maddy and Paul entertained Roma's desire of wanting pictures taken.

               

Off we went to our hotel with the sea side on our minds. We went to bed awaiting for another early morning with Disneyland as the destination for the next day.

Day 4:  We enjoyed breakfast and waited for the shuttle to Disneyland. As we waited every time for the shuttle, Cera would shows how magic would open the front doors to the hotel...Silly little girl. She is always our entertainment.  Our 1st goal was to go see the Princesses!!!  And...I don't know which one of the girls were more excited to see the princesses.  As the day went on many rides were rode, many steps were taken and many smiles were seen. Every time I saw Anna smile out of pure happiness and enjoyment it made the trip all worth it!!  As a parent we enjoy seeing our children being happy and it makes no matter how much we spent worth it!! 

              As the night pressed on the 2 younger girls got tired and Paul took them back to the hotel. I stayed with Roma and Maddy to ride more rides and go see the "festival of colors" show. What a wonderful sight of colors. 

Day 5:  Last day of Disneyland!!!   More rides and More rides!!! I/We loved Indiana Jones ride. Cera loved going on the rides that told a story. Anna loved going on the Screaming roller coaster.  Maddy and Roma loved the thrill of the rides and enjoyed their younger sisters on the rides. We enjoyed watching the Muppet's 3D show and quickly after that Cera drug her sisters to her favorite ride "Monster Inc".  My favorite family ride that we did together was Splash Mountain. The laughter we had was great on that ride.

             We learned quickly on the trip that Cera needed to be 40" to ride most rides at Disneyland. She is 39" without shoes, With shoes she is 40" about... So we told/taught her to "think tall".   As we would walk up to rides we would all tell her "think tall".  She would!!! This phrase became our family entertainment.

             Once again the 2 younger sisters wore out. All they wanted to do was go swimming at the hotel.  So Paul left with them to take them to the pool. I stayed with Roma and Maddy. They wanted to see the fireworks.  Roma and her dream was a reality watching the fireworks above the castle with Tinkerbell flying around!!! Maddy and I watched Roma and the fireworks.

Day 6:  Universal Studios was another adventure... Lots more walking. We enjoyed seeing the back lots and the 3D King Kong show. Not enough time to get through the crowds. The Jurassic Park ride was lots of fun!!  Paul, Rom and Maddy rode the Mummy ride and Cera loved getting wet in Curious George water area. The 3D movie of Shrek was entertaining.

            

     We stayed a little longer than planned at Universal...But we were off again!!! We started our trip homeward.  The girls watched movies while Paul and I took turns driving. We made it to Las Vegas late that night.

Day 7:  We had a lazy morning start and headed home to Layton. Always nice to be home.

 

But...I think Paul and I need a vacation from the vacation. We came home so..so...so Tired!! Hearing the sincire "Thank You's" must of meant the trip was a success, I think!!!! 

Grief and Anger

I mainly thought I would try this "blogging" for several reasons.
   1. A place to share about our new journey
   2. A place to vent/share about my grief
   3. A place for others to know they are not alone in this journey of Parental Grief
   4. A place to share to others about Parental grief

          In this process of expressing myself comes a new thing also.....Bearing open my soul. This is a huge step to put myself  into, I guess in some terms "out there as a open book".  I have had a tough couple of weeks... and I have way to much to express at this time.  SO.... right now I want to focus what is really bugging me. 

     I have felt alot of anger lately. I have not felt like myself either. I am normally a very easy going person, positive and not a angry person. So it has bothered me that I feel anger/frustration!!!! A sweet friend of mine told me I reminded her of the movie "Enchanted".   Her reason behind that was that I have had frustration on how to handle my anger/frustration. In the movie "Enchanted" the Princess also had troubles finding how to deal with anger and those feelings. (I am NOT saying I am a princess) But this is just an example of, I am lost in learning to deal with these emotions just like the princess.    





     Now that I have said I am having anger/frustration, it is a step they say in the grieving process.  Since my Baby Boy AJ passed away I /We have tried sooo hard to find the JOY in our new journey. It is not all that easy some days!!!! The say there are 5 steps in the grieving process.  In Theory these steps can be done in order, mixed up and redone and manifest at different phases.

The stages, include:

1. Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
   Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions. Denial is a defense mechanism and some people can become locked in this stage.
2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
   Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.
3. Bargaining — The What if's and could of done different...
4. Depression — Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
5. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
   In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their grief, or tragic event.

More info ....http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

     I found that I have avoided being angry and have been in survival mood for way to LONG....  An event the last few weeks have triggered so many emotions and mainly Anger within me.

 Well!!!! HECK!!! I have hit the ANGER !!! and I am struggling with facing it and processing my anger!  It is NOT fair what has happened to My Family!!!!!

I NEED to find a way to dig out of this PHASE of ANGER, I dont like it at all!!!!

   So in this process of grieving....The only and first step I see to get through my anger is found in Matt 11:29-30. Christ is the way he will give my soul rest, But I have to be willing to put my burdens on his yoke.  Not so easy....  I know I have to be willing to let go of my anger/frustration. My frustration and anger is: I want and need my little boy back and I cant at this time. I/We are grieving for this lost earthly time with our infant son.

    I need to recapture my inner peace of finding JOY!!!! This phase needs to pass....and will pass by. But for now I am learning and trying to heal. This Heavenly Journey is tiring and painful at times. Healing a broken heart is a slow journey, But goes alot less bumpy with Christ guiding me/us.

    Thank you to those that have been patient with me, during my tantrums. My tantrums will pass...  

Dance Competition March 2012

    Another weekend done and gone by so fast.... Maddy, Anna and Cera performed at dance competition. Watching any one of my girls achieve something they have worked for gives me that teary eyed proud mommy moment!!!! All 4 of my daughters make me VERY proud. They are amazing Girls!!!

This was an amazing performance by Maddy's dance team!! It was the best one I have seen them do in a few years. And the icing on the cake was Maddy pulled of her tumble!!! This was an accomplishment for her!! So proud of you Maddy girl!!!

Anna has worked so hard over the last year!!
She did a fabulous Job!!! She did her BEST leg lift yet!!! And Anna always has the best Grin on her face!!

Cera is has learned the art of keeping her grin on and having FUN dancing!! She is becoming such a cute dancer!!  We were So Glad this year she went out there and did her BEST and didn't freeze up...LOL!!!! What a Little performer she is becoming!!!

   Also last week!!! Roma made/reached a great accomplishment for herself!!! She got all A's this last term. I admire all her hard work she does for her school work. She studies and works harder then any regular student out there. She has overcome so many learning hardships. Congrats to all my daughters and proud of all of you!!!  Love you Girls!! You Bring me such JOY!!!   

St. Patty's Day 2012

    I use to plan out every Themed Holiday....As years have gone by I have not followed thru with it as well.  Over the years I have changed, got busier and thought maybe my kids didn't care if I put forth the effort.

    So, I didn't plan anything for the day of wearing of the green!!! I am starting to actually notice they miss my efforts... So as the evening came and 3 of my daughters were home and wanting to be festive and play up the Green, we came up with an idea!!!  Paul took Maddy and her friend Kyllie to Walmart with a rule of shopping... they can only get items that are green and Irished themed.  Paul being a wonderful dad, took them and they all came back with SMILEING faces!!  They brought back, Green Jello, Green Skittles, Green Mike and Ikes, Green soda, Green Silly String, Green facial mask and other things. The impromptu Green moment made memories of Green faces and Silly string every where!!!   Even tho I didn't feel up to planning anything, This turned out to be a great GREEN memory!!  Thank you to my husband and to these girls for making me SMILE and bringing JOY to our night!!!

A Day All Ready Gone BAD!!!

            I just had to share;  The other day I was having a bad day and of coarse it was a Monday.   I came home from work to face the usual question of, "whats for dinner?"  So, I thought tacos would be easy... I proceeded to get 1lb frozen hamburger out to thaw. I placed it in the Microwave to thaw, but I set the wrong settings unknowingly and ran upstairs to change out of my work clothes. Mean while the plastic bag explodes in the microwave and begins to cook in a ball. My helpful husband started to save my downward spin by cleaning up the mess in the microwave and started to finish cooking the meat to crumble for tacos. But...with NO avail we had no Taco seasoning!!! My husband Paul left the room, I went to the neighbors to get taco seasoning. Yes the neighbor saved the day and had taco seasoning. We chatted for a moment to long... I went back home and forgot I left the stove on!!! NOW we have burnt crusty over cooked ground beef.... Why did I even bother cooking that night!!!  I proceeded to save dinner....I broke off the crusty burnt meat and feed it to the dog. He was very happy and felt spoiled for the moment.  Paul came back in and shook his head at me... "yes, I know" I said "and do you have an idea how to save dinner to night?" He always has an answer!!! SPAGHETTI!!!! We placed the dry meat in sauce and it softened up and we had dinner finally by 7pm... Which is very late for us!!! now that is a Monday night dinner gone bad yet saved!!
           My crazy life.....