9 years have passed.....

long time... that I haven't typed and shared.
But as we realize another year gone by.  Years are marked by many as the New Year on January 1st, a birthday or a major event that is life alternating.
This year and every year moving forward since April 27, 2011 our marking event we have reached is 9 yrs since our sweet baby boy AJ was in our arms.  I warn and admit freely to many I have moments of heartache from his Birthday on January 31 till his Angel Day on April 27..... this season is coming to a close and I can feel a little freedom from my stitched broken heart to move on with the year. It becomes a little brighter in my heart.

As it hits this year due to a lot of isolation due to Covid-19 virus concerns. I have felt a bit more alone in my grief and stressed due to day to day changes. Over the years we have tried to find ways to share our love for AJ, but I often left myself open for disappointment with lack of support diminishing over the years.  As years pass we have found ways to celebrate and speak his name together as a family. I cherish the quiet Heavenly moments that whisper to me that we are not alone in this.  I know we have our own personal angel that watches over our whole family.  As years pass I wonder if I am doing the right or wrong thing when we remember our sweet baby gone too soon. This year we plan to be together as a family at home ... go to cemetery.... just move through the day of emotions that remind me of the worst day of my life as a mother that followed the most heart wrenching moments for a long time.
I know in this Journey of Grief, Joy cometh in the morning, as a wake in the morning I can feel the warmth of the sun and choose to find Joy every day.
I will choose to find beautiful Joyful flowers tomorrow and maybe into the next day

Our AJ Memory Place

This might have been short, Sometimes hard to find the words and easier to share a little bit of my mama heart 💓

Guest Blogger: My Husband

Occasionally blogs have guest writers....  So here is a first


My Husband 

This is a great opportunity to share.  I know July is the one that usually writes here.  I have made a big change in my journey.  I have stared back to school.  I am attending BYU-Idaho.  This is an online course with once a week meeting or gatherings. 

July is supporting me in this.  What a wonderful way to become closer together.  She is letting me post on her blog so I can complete one of my assignments of sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ through media. 

What I find is our family means more to me than almost anything else. And as you read what she has posted already family means a lot to her as well.  I have had many trials in my life.  Nothing compares to the loss of our son AJ.  I know that remembering him is important.  I know that one day we will be able to see him again.  Until that time comes I have the rest of my family to help me cope with everyday life. 

Every year July makes time for family pictures.  Sometimes it’s harder than others to have the children be cooperative for the pictures.  She puts in much effort to make our family remember how we have grown.  Our yearly pictures always have a piece of AJ symbolized. Our AJ bear always has a place in the picture  Who would have thought that a child could have this big of an impact on our lives.

Paul

Just Get through the day.... is really how it feels

Our emotions as normal started to build up and accumulate as we anticipated April 27..... 

April 27 is forever a day etched and frozen in time. The day before,  Sunday we started to feel a aching heavy heart. We chose to stay home from church and lay low.  We felt emotionally vulnerable.  Honestly it is easier to hide our raw vulnerability of emotions.  We just wanted to be home where we felt safe.  We made breakfast, cleaned a little bit, went for a drive/adventure and relaxed ..... I also observed Paul looking through Aj's chest. This cedar chest made by Paul holds material memories and what we hold dear to our heart of our son gone to soon.  Walking up behind him I could already feel his tears on his face as he shuffled through memories and what ifs....

We went on a Drive/Adventure. We went up to see the trains and where the locomotives met and brought the east and west together. The Golden Spike historical monument.  I guess what else do you do to distract yourself of your heavy emotions.... Get away into history and bore the kids.

       April 27, 2015 was four years since Aj passed away. I unfortunately had to work while my sweet dear husband spent the day keeping busy on his own.  I found I had to ignore every thought of what April 27 stood frozen in time as to me. If I was to survive the day without a red teary eyed face. I found that my grieving mama heart is often put aside to survive. When the moment came that I could escape work .... my body felt over run with emotion as a walked out to my car. A sense of relief that I could feel my emotions flood. My eyes, heart and mind started to drop. I finally reached my car in despair and tears asking God for the thousandth time in four years why us and why our Aj ??? 

     Later after work we drove out to Hooper cemetery to release balloons. We missed having Roma and Maddy with us this day.  Anna and Cera have adjusted to our rituals and oddly and lovingly look forward to it.  Colt with bright eyes of awe and excitement releases the balloons unknowingly to his older brother. 

Phew.... we got through the day again.

  **   I remind myself it is only one day. Joy is in every day and sometimes easier to find some days than others. I saw the Joy when the balloons were released in each Colt, Cera and Anna's face.

                      Colt was waving bye to the Balloons..... Or maybe waving at his big brother...

The Blur began.......

A Blur.....Crazy what I remember from April 27,2011 ..... and what I don't,,,,,,

                                   

I remember the feeling of my heart breaking
I remember certain faces
I remember certain cries and words said
I remember talking to someone outside my office
I remember I was running late
I remember planning dinner over the phone
I remember holding my sons lifeless body
I remember taking home a empty car seat

I remember so little... yet so much

I don't remember dropping off AJ that morning
I don't remember....

What I wish I could remember.... AJ's face, his smile, his laugh, his warmth, his everything!!

What I miss everything!!!
 I miss .... seeing AJ grow and play
 I miss .... I miss so much

The days and weeks that followed that nightmare were the same.... a BLUR!!

I still say it to this day, I would do anything to have our precious AJ back in our home making memories. Instead our memories of him are frozen in time and we are making memories to keep his memory alive.

Some of our favorite pics

Love and miss you beyond words can discribe

Empty Arms

I wrote this sometime ago.... I wanted to share these brief words that I jotted down. Maybe a post, a phrase, a sentence might help another mother or another lost in grief know they are not alone.





  I often remember back to the hours, days, weeks and months after AJ passed away regarding the raw emotions of such deep pain of child loss.... I remember how empty, light and cold my arms felt.  This emptiness was traumatically instant. I went from weighted down arms full of warmth to brutal emptiness of nothing.  The phrase "empty arms " is often used after infant/child loss. This phrase is true in the term of the emptiness, but the emptiness goes far deeper then a mother or fathers arms being empty. The emptiness is in our heart and in our daily lives is another form of the emptiness.  Spiritually I have had to choose to fill the emptiness over time.
      My/our new life includes grief and finding joy to fill our heart. Grief and emptiness has not gone away, it is evolving on our road.


      Holding Colt I have heavy, tired and warm arms again.... I love the warmth Colt brings. I never take Colt being in my arms for granted... he his a gift.


                        

A Grieving Parents Mask

It takes energy.

It takes practice.

It becomes an act.

It becomes a perfected art. 

It became reality.

It became survival.

It takes tears of a broken heart.

The looks... quick hide the truth of a grieving heart

     

A mask is worn more frequent, but in time falls off. Comes on in times of need to hid my true face of a grieving parent.  I often face this like any other parent that has faced the reality of losing a child.  At first the raw emotions are seen and shared.  As weeks pass along in emptiness,  strength is found in crevices of light.  Months roll over and a new existence is found.  Existence and survival mend bits and pieces in place where they might fit back into.  Years are reached and a mask has been designed. Designed to except and hid a new existence.  

       Relief is found in the listening and excepting ear.  A grieving mask becomes lighter as it is set aside.  Giving rest when it is so hard to be strong is an asset.  Be patient to a grieving parent as they learn to design their mask.  Hopefully a mask is less needed to ease the heaviness and pain. But ... yet available when needed. 

If I could put me in a cartoon this would be me!!!!

Our little Sunbeam in Heaven

I try so hard to put away my grieving mom emotions....

     The holidays came and went with lots of distractions of icky sickies.  I even was so sick the week of  Christmas. Alright ... the whole family was sick!!! not the best Christmas but we were together. Paul and I feel some guilt that we never made it out to the cemetery to honor AJ through the holidays. AJ was never far from our thoughts tho. As January creeps up and throws so many moments that we should be reaching and celebrating in AJ's life become hard.  In Primary at church (our children's program at church) children advance in classes for the new year. AJ would be entering and having his first day in sunbeams.  I would love to hear him singing the traditional primary song "Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam" and coming home with what he colored in class!!!

AJ our little sunbeam watching us from Heaven. Someday we will see you again!!!


January is a hard emotional month for me... I remember 4 years ago feeling so happy leading up to AJ's birth. He was such an anticipation of JOY to our family! January has been changed since he passed away. Another birthday is coming... milestones that are missed have created such a void.  Watching so many kids his age growing and reaching these milestones is hard.
 I know I am not alone in this, so many other grieving parents feel the same way.

Oh January, swiftly finish up and warm up our hearts.